More Bits & Pieces

Cats versus unborn babies

2011-11-18T19:28:00.000-08:00

Last week (2nd wk of November) I decided to watch the news. (I usually get one channel so I was watching Fox News.) I paid close attention when a report came up about a trial that was going on in regards with a dead cat found between an animal shelter's walls. I stopped what I was doing and paid attention. I just couldn't believe my ears. This 60+ year old man was facing two years in prison if found guilty for not helping a cat trapped between the walls of the shelter he managed. Since I do volunteer work at a prison in Dallas, TX, I know what having a record can do to a person's life and I felt bad, actually I was outraged at what was being said. At any age it is never easy to find a job, rent an apartment, being trusted from those around you, etc. So, at 60+ that's much harder, I thought. And here we are in America, ready to ruin a man's life for a dead cat.
Now, don't take me wrong. I love cats, ...and dogs - my husband owns a female boxer for whom I care all week while he works out of town. A while back, we had a cat who had two litters and I did not want to give them away but keep them and raise them all. Later we had Grace Kelly, a white cat I gave my daughter to keep her company while away for college. When my daughter finished college and came back home, I took care of Grace Kelly most of the time. Every morning that cat was at the other side of my bedroom door. While I prayed, she waited and once I was done and opened the door she would be there. As soon as she'd see me, she would meow and I greeted her and together we would go down the stairs. She would drink her milk while I sipped my coffee. This went on every morning until one day when I was in Argentina and I called home and my daughter told me of the passing of Grace Kelly. I cried. So, see, I do love cats, I do care for animals. They do have a purpose in our lives. They enriched us and entertained us. But again we are talking about ruining a man's life because a cat died and he should have done something to avoid it. Yes, it does sound bad and the man should be punished. But prison??? TWO YEARS??? Why not fire him; and/or give him a substantial fine for his carelessness but don't ruin his life. It is a cat!! Which really takes me to why this is a big deal for me.
Here in America more that 4,000 abortions are perfomed each day. Killing unborn babies as far as 9-month into the pregnancy - a procedure known as the "still-born" abortion. And who is bringing these people to trial? Oh, right, IT IS PERFECTLY legal in this country. No like the cat thing. See, a cat is a cat. But an unborn baby has no face, no name, no defender. Our laws are ready to protect animals that are neglected or abused. We are ready to put a man behind bars for an animal and there are a lot of protester asking for this man to be punished. There are lots of witnesses coming forward. But let's not bother with a human being because, well, it just resembles a human being and many like to argue "these are not living creatures but fetuses".
I went later that week to visit a lady who also volunteers at the prison and I did mention about the case. And she went, "Oh that man deserves..." I did not let her finish (I tend to do that.) I told her, "Is just a cat! We are talking about ruining a man's life." And she tried again, 'But he should have done more." "YES! But still is just a cat. We kill babies in this country and no one is being sent to prison; not even for a day! This guy is facing two years! You and I know what a prison record can do to a person. This is wrong!" She finally agreed when I told her about giving him a fine or firing him from his job or both. Let's just use our energy to keep fighting the abortion laws instead.
I did ask her though, if she knew the outcome of the trial since I haven't watched the news again. She said, "He was found not guilty." Ahhh, justice. Thank you God.

Real Housewives

2011-08-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Is there a log in your eye?
It was almost noon. After 6 months without watching TV at home (we don’t pay for cable so we finally bought an antenna), I thought I’d watch the news at midday. I have been sewing shawls all morning to raise funds for the transitional house we run in McKinney, TX and it was time to take a coffee break. So, I prepared my coffee and turned on the TV. Instead of the news however, there was what look like a promotion for a later program. Women arguing over lunch at a fancy restaurant and individually shown later criticizing each other. After what I thought was the commercial, one by one the women were presented. Dressed like they were going to a wedding or some formal party, adorned with what looks like expensive jewelry and posing like models (I guess one of their illusions) each one was introduced with a motto. “If you mess with my family, you mess with me” I think one of them said – and the only one I can remember. Then the name of the program came up, Real Housewives of New Jersey. When I realized that the only channel I could get with my antenna was not having the news but this show instead, I turned off the TV. I did so commenting out loud, “Who has such an empty, meaningless life that has to watch a show so full of crap? Who lives such a pathetic life that has to sit in front of the TV to live vicariously through these women? What can you learn from watching so much vanity and crap? I went back to my sewing putting aside my longing for a break.

Later that evening, the women ministry in our church had “Dinner and a Movie” and I decided to go and join the ladies. If the movie wasn’t great, at least there will be food. (I was thinking on homemade sweets.) Sure enough, the deserts did not disappoint me. I even took some home for breakfast the next day. (Yes, I care more for deserts than wholesome food.) After the movie, there was a Q&A section. One of the questions dealt with what the main character in the movie had to do to get her marriage out of the stagnated state that it was. Someone answered, “Less TV more sex”. A lady from a corner of the room responded, “No if I have to give up my program. No ONE messes with my time for Real Housewives.” I quietly gasp. I know this woman! She sits with her husband in the pew behind me at church. I had her kid in my Sunday class. Oh my God! She is one of those who watches that show!

Everyone laughed at what she said and the hostess moved on with the next question. I left the place remembering that this lady had said in the Bible class she only had read the Bible three times that week. “And my husband (who was absent that day), I think he read it 3 times too. He is trying” she said when the Bible teacher asked each one of us how many times had we been on the Word that week. I went home that night and read the Bible and went to sleep very tired. The next morning during my devotional I prayed for the lady and later my husband, Sam calls me. He is working out of town and the night before I did not call him since I got home late and tired. After talking about his day, he asked me how was the movie and I proceeded to tell him about the housewives program I had thought so detrimental and vain and my question, “who watches that show” to find a person who does that same night IN OUR WOMEN GROUP! He laughed. He doesn’t know her – hardly remembers anybody he hasn’t talked more than three times, his own words – but said “Wow”. I told him, “Oh it doesn’t stop there. As I was praying this morning, she came to mind and I prayed for her. See on my mind I was thinking, this person only reads her Bible 3 times a week and when asked how many times her husband and her prayed together that week, she said not once. But she has time to watch this sick show about other people having fancy lunches that costs more than a dinner for two, badmouthing each other when the other is not present, having boob jobs and trying to show off who has more money.” As my husband listened, I continued, “The thing is that as I prayed I did not realize I was judging her. I’m feeling more spiritual than her, superior if you may because I take 2-3 hours each day reading the Bible and praying. But the Spirit reminded me, ‘Do not look at the speck in her eye but the log in yours’. You know, Sam we read the Bible at night but we don’t kneel before the Lord to pray before falling asleep as we used to. Lately we just say ‘Thank you Lord for this day’ as we closed the Bible and turn off the light or hold hands there in bed and pray for 3 minutes. That’s my log.” Sam went “Ouch!” I said, “There is more. I immediately as the Spirit rebuked me, I reasoned, ‘well it is a speck too in my eye because I do so many other things so this is a small thing’. I found myself categorizing, justifying but the Spirit told me, ‘Those who has received more, more is demanded of them’. In other words, I know better. Even the cows kneel before going down to sleep.” Sam repeated, “Ouch! Ouch! That’s hurting.”

So, after praying for her, I had to start praying for forgiveness. I still do not approve of the show but I’m not here to judge – like I tell my incarcerated students – I’m here to teach and correct as the Lord gives me with love not judgment. I do not know this lady well enough – I don’t even know her name though I know her husband’s since she always talking about him - to approach her in the subject like I would do with one of my closer friends and offer some advice on balancing TV and spiritual life. In being careful in what we watch because after all, what do I learn from such a program as ‘Real Housewives’? But since I don’t know her, then I shall pray for enlightenment in her life and that she gets to know Christ better; not looking at how often she reads the Bible and prays but just pray for her and her family. Her accountability in those areas is to the Lord not us. I prayed for whatever emptiness there is in her life be filled by the Holy Spirit and all her needs be supplied by HE who died for us all. I don’t have a speck. I have a log and that day I started working on removing it by going back to my old tradition that I stopped years ago, go on my knees at the end of the day and spend sometime at the feet of the Master. I’m not saying you have to do the same. I’m just telling my log and how the Spirit revealed it to me. God is so merciful and we are not.

I'm someone's porcupine -

2011-03-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book that at first I thought, "I could have written this" not because I know how to write (I don't) but because I have been teaching and preaching this stuff. John Ortberg's book, "Everybody is normal 'til you get to know them" starts with a truth I have repeated again and again, (but I forget to apply too many times), I put up with others, because they have to put up with me. In Ortberg's words, "We are all damaged goods." A few years ago, I went to work for a printing company and there was this big, quite but very negative guy. After a few months there, I went to the production area of the company and a guy said to me, "How is it going working with 'John'? Does he even say anything to you? That guy was so mean and wouldn't talk to anyone here." This John used to work in production and have been promoted to the graphics dept and actually helped me a lot when I first got there. So, I told this guy, "I don't have a problem with him and yes, he talks to me." He said, "How can you? He is difficult to deal with. What have you told him to make him even be civilized with you?" My response, "I just put up with him because he has to put up with me. So, I accept him for who he is." The guy walked away making a comment like I was crazy. The reality is we think we are so perfect and the others are wrong. Our ways are the best. Our opinions are the ones that count. We don't see ourselves with all our faults. We don't see that we are as "damaged" as the others that we are pointing at or trying to change.
This is something I discussed with my daughter once when one of my nephews came to live with us. He was helpful but only when I asked for help. One day, my daughter and I were moving a love seat from my office downstairs to the sitting area in my upstairs bedroom. We are two skinny gals and were struggling with the couch while my nephew sat at his computer and every now and then took a peak at what was going on (we were making a lot of noise: "Back up!" Put it down! Can't move!). At one point I lowered myself on the steps and the couch got me down as it landed on my lap. We laughed and cried. All this noise finally produced in my nephew a "Do you need help there?" Do you think? I still had to say, Will you help us?" for him to come. But once he joined us, he battled with the couch -- even taking the bedroom door down --until he finished the job. For everything, it was like that: unless I asked him, he wouldn't offer to help and I was mad. I'd talk to anyone who'd listen about this "attitude". Well, it is his trait. He probably has his reason to wait to be asked. Who knows how many times he got in trouble in the past for taking the initiative to help. Whether or not there was a root to his behavior, the point is that knowing him to be like that I should have accepted him that way and request help when needed. It wasn't after a few months of him living with us that I understood this and instead of waiting for him to have that motivation, told him what to do. Later on, I faced my own demons by realizing that I was being stubborn wanting him to be my way instead of me accepting his way. I was like that with so many others including my husband. I was always right, always in control, always the know-it-all not realizing I was making his life miserable. Instead of concentrating on his faults I started looking at my own. Instead of fighting the porcupine in my life, I learned to dance with him. We all have to accept others for who they are instead of trying to change them. Maybe it is you who have to change.

Is there hope after prison?

2010-11-19T23:04:00.000-08:00

As I wrote on my website, http://unavozeneldesierto.vpweb.com, we are all one mistake away from prison. I get a lot of questions about the prison ministry: "Why are they there for?"; "Aren't you afraid when you go in?"; "Do you see change? Is there a way for you to follow, to know if they do change their behavior?" I covered the other questions on the website. But the last question, I waited since I wanted to contact some of the ladies first for permission on sharing their testimonies though I'm not interested in sharing names, I still wanted them to let me share.
Since I started teaching almost two years ago, I have taught over 150 women Spiritual Healing and Boundaries. This is counting only the classes that end with certificates for those who finish. One lasts nine weeks the other six. These women have to commit to take these classes. Once they sign, they can't just leave and the only excuse absence is being sick. By the time we are done, a few have identified with me as their mentor and a bond is formed. Depending where they go after being released, I stay in touch - their decision - at least for a few weeks with some; longer with others. Unfortunately, most of them once we say our last good-byes on the day of their release, I don't hear from them. Some other volunteers may hear and tell me how they are doing. I can testify that of twelve I still see, visit or write to, only one is back in prison. I know of quite a few others that are back but I only knew them by my visiting the dorms often but they did not attend my class. Even the one that is back in prison who took one of my classes, is writing to me because she asked a common friend I write. That's what I mean "their decision". I give them my P.O. Box and is up to them if they want to get in touch. I'm proud to report that of the other eleven ladies whom I hear from regularly, three are in college, four have full-time jobs, two are searching for jobs, one decided to pursue more healing at a center before joining her family, and the other is staying home raising her kids and working on her marriage. Through other ex-inmates I hear from others, and last week I found out that another lady is working and studying and two others have returned home to their parents and are leading full lives staying away from trouble. I believe there is hope for those coming out but they have to want to change and as I tell them submit to GOD and let HIM guide your steps. We can't do it alone. We need HIM and a good support of friends, mentors, and family. I have known of a few others that I met during night services (Church) who are back on the streets. Just last week a lady we had great hopes for and was busy leading others in prison, is back on drugs herself. This lady never attended my classes. She already "knew a lot". She'd bring me other ladies so I'd pray for them and to see if I could take them in my class. But she herself felt too confident that this time (her third) was her last in prison. Raised in a Christian home was introduced to illegal drugs by her husband. A mother of two never could hold a job too long due to her addiction. When I was introduced to her the first time two years ago, she was walking on clouds. She said, "I know why God has me here. This time I got it." I was very sad when I hear about her situation but also thought at how easily pride and the devil's lies can keep us away from what God wants to do with us. Her feeling that she did not need to take my classes or others, kept her away from growing spiritually and forming a strong foundation with Christ. Life after prison? Yes, there are many women who can attest to that, but each individual has to be a willing participant in change.

GOD is in the Small Stuff

2010-09-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

This morning I got three duffel bags in my car full with clothes, shoes, underwear, toilettries and inspirational books. These were for three ladies coming out of prison today and who have been my students while in prison.

As I was driving to take the highway, I wanted coffee since my first cup was about 6:30AM and now it was 10AM. Besides is kind of a psychological thing with me - sip some good coffee while driving the 50 miles to the prison. I pulled over at Starbucks driveway and before driving to the window I did count my cash which was actually my parking money. I counted and I have $18 which is exactly what I need for the rest of the week. So, I sort of prayed while driving to the window to place my order using the debit card instead, "God, I'll be using my husband's hard earned money for an expensive cup of coffee. Please excuse me, pardon me for not exercising self-control since I had proposed in my heart to only use cash." I have not made a promise about not using my debit card but I'm trying not to spend on impulse and certainly no in coffee. The cash means 'allowance' money and not family budget.

I placed my order and when I handed my card to the cashier, he motioned a 'no'. "The person in the car in front of you has paid for your coffee." I looked up and said, "Oh, God. I'm taking care of these women with what little I have and you are taking care of me even in my little cravings." Psalm 37:4 came to mind "... he will give you the desires of your heart." This is not about needs for this is not a need, but a desire sort of a wishful thinking.

This is great if you know the whole picture. When I quit my job, I thought that was the end of my Starbucks' trips. I work -- as many of you know -- PT at JCPenney. I cover gas and other expenses directly related to the prison ministry, including parking, books, Bibles, some of the clothes and underwear for these ladies. None of the donated money for the ministry goes to the every day expenses I incur - that's strictly for building and future needs as we take women in. This week I only earned $80 net since I was scheduled to work only for about 9 hours. From there after tithes and offering, I took $20 for my weekly parking at Dawson and put gas in the tank. I bought one of the duffel bags at Wal-Mart for $10 plus tax since only two were donated. Not much left aftet that. Since my parking needs vary from $15 to $20 weekly, that's why I counted it hoping I had $3 extra without touching the family money. I must say, GOD IS GREAT and faithful. He is OUR provider and HE IS in the small stuff because HE CARES for all his children.

Had my coffee, delivered the bags, gave a few hugs, and now going to work for 5 hours.

What's the big deal about being a grandma

2010-07-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

I have been asking myself for a while now how are people expecting me to react when they'd find out I was expecting my first grandchild. I'm always (or most of the times) in control of my emotions. Sometimes it is not me, but the Holy Spirit who doesn't let me in some situations. But with this grandchild thing it has been as if people expect me to react loud, physically showing 'joy'. The most curious one was this lady at one of my daughter's baby shower. It went like: "So, aren't you excited about being a grandma?" (What kind of a question is that in the first place?) I replied, "Oh, yes, I'm happy for them and myself. Sure." Trying not to be rude given her question. She looked at me sort of surprised by my half smile and says, "This is your first grandchild, right?" Again, "Yes it is." She still looked puzzled and added, "Oh so, you're sort of detached." "Don't know what you mean", said I. Instead of explaining she went on, "But you are happy they are here, back home, correct? That they are staying with you." I'm thinking, "What is this? The National Enquirer?" So, I gave her a full statement putting on a big smile as to please her, "I'm very happy for them and having a baby in the family is always good news and I'm glad they are here and not far away." (My daughter and her husband do not live in the USA.) She went on tellling me she has five grandchildren (as if I was going to ask) and finally left me alone. Another lady in my church tells my sister-in-law when she was told about my news of becoming a grandma and not seeing me 'too excited', "Oh wait 'til the baby is born. You'll see her." See her what?! Being loud like her? So, I started thinking what is it that people are trying to tell me? Why are they looking for all signs of excitement in me? People expect me to react a certain way but why? A lady at work, who just became a first time grandma, said to me when she found out I have "one of those" on the way, "Oh you just wait. You'll love that grandchild" (Really?) "You'll love him more than you love your daughter." She must have read the expression on my face of 'what kind of stupid statement is that' because she tried to reword her statement. Too late. She lost my attention.
Don't take me wrong. I love and admire my daughter and when she told me she thought she was with child, inside of me I wanted to be happy and tell her "Great!" but she has not gone to the doctor and I tend to be very cautious. My response to her about the home test was, "do another one". She said something about feeling a bit of 'fear' and she herself at that moment did not know how to react. I wanted to know first how my daughter felt since I knew what my son-in-law wanted... a child before his biological clock ran out (his own words). But my daughter being more like me, likes planning, I think. I mainly prayed but I announced the news happily on Thanksgiving day (a day after I found out) to family and friends as we expressed our gratitude for the year after dinner. This was definitely part of my blessings. But since every one seems to expect me to react a certain way (like jumping and shouting out loud "I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA"), I started thinking and writing trying to find out what is it people are trying to tell me. I'm not one to say or act a certain way just to please others. That's not me. But I could see the disappointment in people when they did not see me reacting the way they believe I should. I started to believe (still do) they want to see me (or at least tell them I have been) jumping up and down in the bed.
On July 23rd my grandchild was born, a boy. When I saw my daughter being wheeled in her bed to the room with the baby wrapped next to her, tears came down my face. I was filled with emotion of seeing the face of this precious child we prayed so much for. The other grandma hugged me and my husband and said "We are so blessed." As I got close to my daughter and kissed her forehead she said with tears in her eyes, "He is perfect". I can't describe the feeling of seeing the miracle of a newborn but most of all, seeing her with that baby lying next to her; but that night I still wondered what is it with grandparenting, you know, people making such a fuss about it. As I was holding the baby the next morning as he slept in my arms, I realized something. I remembered clearly my daughter's birth 28 yrs ago. As I looked at his face it was like looking at my daughter's baby face once again: nose, eyes shape and lips are all hers, and for a moment it felt like I'm giving a chance to make things right somehow. Like me being part of this child rearing. I'm not talking of parenting. That's for mom and dad and not me. But maybe I see something that people were trying to explain but couldn't. A grandchild is an extension of oneself and it brings joy to know that the spiritual legacy is passed on to a new generation; a generation that may judge us for what we have done and witness what we have become; a generation that comes at a time when we are a bit wiser and therefore have more to offer. This child is now part of the spiritual legacy in our family line; someone who'll keep proclaiming the Gospel when we (grandparents) are gone and bringing hope to others in need. A granchild reminds us how important family history is and in a way gives meaning and purpose to all of us. You won't find me jumping up and down in bed but God can see my heart bursting with joy and gratitude for this new life. Welcome Ezra Adan Henderson!!

Letting God Do His Work

2010-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today I was listening to a report on how addictive nicotine is. In the report, it mentioned that it can be stronger than marihuana and some other drugs, therefore to break the habit is very hard for long term users. After my experience with the two ladies I mentioned in my website (http://unavozeneldesierto.vpweb.com), I remembered an exchange I had with another volunteer at the prison. One lady had been released for about 2 weeks and still had no job. This other volunteer takes care of providing transportation to the ones who after released go to a Safe House. She usually takes them to the Dollar store to get some toiletries, to a burger place for their first lunch out of prison and a couple of days later to get their ID or Driver's license if they know the number. I have just visited the Safe House to see how this lady was doing and she told me she was smoking "because everyone at the Safe House does it". She followed that immediately with: "I'm not using that as an excuse.." And I told her: "Yes, you are. You said it so I'd not isolate you but look at the other 5 ladies there who 'are doing it' so the attention is on them smoking not on you picking up the habit." She accepted what I said and that was it. The volunteer greeted me this day and we talked about the new addition to the Safe House and she said: "You know she is smoking?" I said, "yes, I know." The volunteer had the same puzzled question I had, "Why? She was in prison for almost 2 years and did not smoke. Besides, where is she getting them, she has no money." I said probably the others are handing her cigarettes as they all go outside to smoke. It really bothered me them that these ladies, almost all of them take up the habit after so many "sermons". Now, of course, after my last experience with the last two ladies, and being rebuke by the Holy Spirit that I'm not out to change people but to teach them the Word of God, I have more peace about this because I know it is not my job but HIS. We want people to change but God is the only one who can do that. Even though this habit being very strong as I heard on the report mentioned above, I know God can free a person from this and other drugs without the need of patches, gum, or 'gradual' shots of any kind. My grandfather was a testimony of that. My mother tells the story of her being 7 years old and going with her father in Puerto Rico at night as he went from bar to bar. She was the oldest one after her older brother died at the age of 8, she was the one accompanying her father on his outings as it was the custom in Puerto Rico at the time (1940's). Even later on, when we moved from New York to Puerto Rico in the 60's, I remember seeing boys with their fathers just following a few steps behind or sitting around while their fathers had a drink. (I know it sounds pretty bad now.) One night, my mother says, they were going back home with her father stopping from time to time to get his composure since he was pretty drunk. At one point, they were in front of an evangelical church and he went in, my mother followed him inside. They sat on the last bench and later her father, when he heard an invitation for prayer, walked to the front where the pastor prayed for him. The following morning he asked my mother, if what he remembered from his previous night was true. She confirmed to him that he accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and that the pastor had prayed for him. My grandpa stopped drinking from that moment as he believed that he 'had giving his word and had to honor it.' Of course, we know that was the power of God who changed him from a bar hopper to a church-goer. There are many other testimonies of people changed by the power of God in such a way they have no desire for drugs, alcohol or nicotine. We know the Spirit of the Lord is power that transforms lives when they surrender all to him. But we can't change people. Sometimes we see gradual change, others we see instant change. But it is all HIM not us. We want to see everything now. But as I meditated on this, I went to church for years, actually raised in church and I did not surrender all to HIM; it took years for change to occur in my life; so many mistakes, so many bad habits, so many times of thinking I could do things my way and still serve the Lord. Now that I know better, now that I live a God-filled life, I find myself not being patient with others as God was with me (and still is since HE is not done with me). We all have to take our place, do our job as the Holy Spirit revealed to me that day - teach, guide, pray and love others - and let God do HIS thing.

When a child dies in the family...

2010-03-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I did not write for a few weeks, was the death of my 5 yr old niece, Andrea Victoria. Even now writing about it sounds unreal. It is hard to think and accept that she is no longer among us; yet we all know and truly believe, she is enjoying the company of Jesus in Heaven. Andreita suffered a seizure and was taken to the hospital in Jan 3, 2010. She stayed in the ICU for three weeks and then decided the struggle wasn't worth it; it was time to go back to her Creator.
That Sunday 17, when my sister-in-law called me to take her son, Andreita's older brother, 8yr old Eduardo to the hospital, I knew things were not right. All her mother said, "Bring him in. Andreita is not doing good". Eduardo, as with any child that age, wasn't allowed in the ICU plus her mother's voice was urgent and broken. We were on our way to church and changed our route towards the hospital. Eduardito's reply when told we were going to see Andreita was: "But the doctor won't let me go in to see her." I told him, "this time he will let you in". As soon as we arrived, the parents told me the very hard decision the doctors told them they needed to think about: let their child go by pulling all the life-support equipment off. The toughest part is that Andreita was conscious and very much aware of her surroundings. But they were trusting God on their decision. The doctors had done all they could for her. During that week, we saw this child breathing on her own strongly and the heart beating normally. By the end of the week, I walked into the room one morning and after looking at the monitor, immediately understood why the parents have asked me not to bring any one to the hospital that morning. I wanted to scream: "Oh no, no, no!!" But the control the Holy Spirit gives us is amazing. Of course, we still hurt and in the car driving, each time I had the opportunity of being by myself (I was driving/taxing everyone) I'd hit the wheel and scream "No, No, No!!" It was like a bad dream that never ended. It was stressful, physically and emotionally. I kept thinking was, "If I feel like this and I'm just the aunt, I can't imagine what the parents are going thru." They however, have proven their strength come from above. It was admirable to look at them encouraging others and keeping a smile and greeting visitors like they were coming to share a dinner with them, not to watch their daughter going away little by little.
When a child dies, at such a young age, it's hard to accept. We think of the times we won't share together, not seeing her in her bed or in the couch where she usually sat; the birthdays that won't be celebrated, the events such as graduation and college, walking down the aisle... but you know what? We are the ones thinking of those moments and lamenting "Oh, she won't be able to ..." but she, as with those who have parted, are not missing ANYTHING! These kids are in Heaven's playground; they are enjoying the presence of the Master; they are back to where they've belonged altogether. The Bible teaches us that before we were born, HE called us by name. So, at the moment my niece closed her eyes and her spirit was called, she found herself playing and running and enjoying with other children who have gone before her like she never left that place; she was back 'home' without that "i'm back" feeling but like nothing has happened; maybe just a dream of earth. I believe that. The Bible says that one day is like a thousand years to the Lord meaning time does not pass in His presence and I believe she will never age. The next time I see Andreita, she will be our adorable 5 yr old niece, with a great smile and wondering "where have you been?" But for now, she is not missing us.
Does this mean I do not cry? Does this mean I don't miss her? That I still want her with us? Yes I cry, it has been two months, and I still cry almost every day. I miss knowing she is not with her parents and when I visit is one less person to greet; and yes, I do want her with us but I immediately think she is doing good and that brings a smile to my tear-streamed face. She went thru so much pain - needles, IVs, oxygen mask, tubes down her nose and throat. Now, that is NO MORE.
This death, like any event is an interruption in our lives. The routine is altered, gone; and for a few days and weeks you don't seem to find your way back. Other events may affect us for a few days and soon things get back to normal: a sickness, a non-fatal accident, graduation, wedding, etc. But death is so permanent, so final, it is much harder to cope and get back that motivation to do what you're supposed to do. Even though it sounds cold, the phrase "Life goes on" is so true; your world may have been disrupted in a very painful way, a child is gone, but look around yourself... life goes on. Other kids go to school, her therapists are back at work, the doctors are attending other patients. I remember thinking of this when my father died. We were at the funeral home mourning, while on the street people were driving to work or coming from work; I saw delivery trucks and people having lunch chatting and socializing while a couple of steps away a family mourned and hurt for they loved one who was now gone.
In times like this, we Christians, have an amazing force helping us - we call it the Holy Spirit. I believe that if we don't experience pain we don't get to experience first hand the strength and power of the Holy Spirit. It is like having a racing car that you know can reach 200 mph but if you never have to put it to the test, you never know if it really reaches that speed or how amazing it feels. With the Holy Spirit, until you go thru a test you don't know much about what a difference He can make in your life. I always said, "I can't understand how can a parent survive a loss of a child." Now I know. Seeing my brother and sister-in-law putting all their grief, their burden in God and letting his Holy Spirit carries them through this time, I have seen HIS work in them and understand a little bit better. As for my own experience in all this, I have finally began my own routine after calling on HIM for help to get back and find the joy of doing the things I must do for HIS glory.

Back at Our Own Place

2010-03-23T17:00:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since i last wrote. So many things have happened and it has taken some time for me and the family to readjust. After three months at my friend's house, we have moved to our own apartment but before that we did move back to our previous house to fix a few things for the new owners. We moved only with some clothes, an air mattress and the dog's cage... The house was cold and so empty and impersonal but what a sense of freedom! I went to the kitchen the next morning and made coffee and shouted out, "Thank you, God! I'm free!" The feeling was really exhilirating. After thinking about everything we did, it felt good to know I could drink a cup of coffee, leave the cup in the sink while exercising and come back later and wash it without having the urgency of doing it before someone walk on the door and look bad at me. So simple but felt so good. The dog is now free to run around - especially that the house is empty - and doesn't need to sleep on a cage. I prayed out loud, dance around while sweeping the floor and sang while cooking. Things I have not felt free to do before. In the other house, it was a pain to cook since it took me 15 minutes to make rice and 45 minutes to clean the stove and sink to look like nothing happened. I did not sing while working as I am used to do because I always was rushing so I could clean right away and leave everything perfect. I stopped cooking altogether. My husband and I ate lots of sandwiches and drank coffee in disposable cups. Sam (husband) yearned for eggs. He loves scrambled eggs on Saturday mornings so a couple of times we visited IHOP to satisfy his cravings. Each day I grew more depressed and it was hard to do anything. One of the things I learned is that the rules were not the problem in this house but the way these are enforced. Accusations or insinuations of violating rules we did not do ("It smells like dog upstairs"); not greeting us if the dog was out of the cage when she walked in (not a rule broken by this); ignoring our 'good deeds' -like fixing a broken wall upstairs and the picking up the leaves in the front yard. I noticed that my friend did not realize how bad she was making us feel. I talked to her 3 or 4 times about things and how we felt and it was like news to her. The looks, the ignoring us, the comments - how can she not know or realized we felt diminished by these? Lesson: I want to make sure I make people feel at home and comfortable. I don't want to overwhelm others by trying to enforce rules. I pray God gives me wisdom and guidance to balance it all.
Another lesson: a clean house or a house that looks like a magazine is not more important than people's feelings and it can feel quite impersonal and cold.

I talked last month with two women out of prison and living in Safe Houses about the rules and likes and dislikes to compare them to my experience. One of them told me she felt at home immediately. She walked in, sat and felt comfortable enough and 'at home enough' to put her feet on the furniture, talk and relax (that was her account). When asked for specifics a few things helped to make her feel 'at home': a couple of the girls in the house came from Dawson (prison) - she have known them for about 6-8 months; and the other ladies greeted her and made her feel very welcome she said. But, what about the rules? "Oh, everybody does their part and no one is pointing the finger at the other." I guess that's it. As long as every one does their part and not looking what the others are or aren't doing, a true home feeling can be achieved. A place where everybody feels they belong and appreciate being there enough to keep the peace among each other.

I also learned from this experience to accept people just the way they are. I thought I already did this but realized that I was still wanting people to be like me. Just because people live a certain way, and are obsessed with unplugging and cleaning doesn't mean they are unlikable or that they need to change. We all have little annoying habits and want others to accept us just like that. We don't want anyone to talk us out of these or make us see otherwise. We have our reasons to believe what we believe or do the things that we consider important to us. But when it comes to others, we are ready to judge, criticize or show them how wrong they are for doing the things they do... like unplugging everything to save power. I'm trying to be more tolerant. I'll need it.

Temporary residence

2009-11-01T17:41:00.001-08:00

Yesterday (Oct 31) during my quiet time with the Lord, I thanked Him for having a roof over our heads and to bless the lady who has opened her doors for us allowing us to stay as long as we need to. When I said this, I thought, 'here we are being someone's guests when we have been called to receive guests in our house.' The purpose of us being here is to save some money, pay some debts, and collect funds while we wait on the lot to be officially ours so we can build a shelter. At least that's what we thought. However, I just realized we have become guests instead of hosts. I thought, "There is definitely a lesson to be learned here and I better stay alert and not miss it." My sister-in-law said, "It is like you'll be learning what NOT to do so your guests don't feel uncomfortable." Yes, I do think we will be learning how to make people feel at home. Not that we haven't have guests before, but this is a bit different. The guests we have had before have been relatives, a total of four. I recognize and accept that we have not been very tolerant. It is like if people are not like us, meaning behave like us, believe like us, respond like us we tend not to accept them. Instead of seeing the differences and learning from them, we have fought these and decided to change them or that maybe they should not stay. Also, our
Our future guests are not relatives. These are women we don't know or may know thru the classes we give at the prison. We may have very little information about them since out of respect for their privacy we don't ask to many personal questions. True they usually opened up to me in after the third class but still it isn't like your relatives whom at least you've a better idea of how they are and we tend to be more direct with them (don't want to say 'cruel').
I knew there will be a period of learning but now I think that instead of trial and error with our firsts guests, we are going to learn and 'get' it here.

Moving Time - One more stop before the dream

2009-10-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

As we finish collecting our final belongings around the now quite empty house, I'm trying to think of our life in this place, this house we called HOME for seven years. There is no way I can write about it all: the whole metamorphosis the house has gone thru since we acquired it like the 3 or 4 colors (I'm not even sure how many) our kitchen went thru; the reupholstering of the furniture and moving around accessories. I remembered Saulito (my nephew who lived with us for about 6-7 months) said one day, "this house keeps on changing; at least the 'things' are always in different places". Good observation (but not always!). Instead of buying things, I move things around. Other events have been more significant like the Bible study group every Monday (and later on Tuesdays) we started at the request of our Pastor quite a few people came to these Bible studies and I believe they left feeling they learned something. We started with 3 - my husband, a lady from our church and myself. Later it was the two of us. And a few months later we were having 16 adults. As everything goes up and down so did our numbers but our persistence and faith that the Lord was moving stayed constant all the way through the 5 years we hosted it.
We started a business in decorating while at this place. The house was always full of fabrics from customers and the garage floor received many drops of colors from paint used for other people's houses. There were times of need: no food in the refrigerator or pantry during a time of transitions: Amarilys in a very expensive college (my doing); my husband Sam working in the border of US/Mexico, 10 hrs away from home, me trying to resurrect a business God had put the closing seal on; and a condominium whose renters left unexpectely, took us to some times of need. I remember eating meat like once a month and surviving on coffee with milk and buttered tortillas for about 6 months. (My sister Raquel would say, 'what's new then?' regarding my diet, but the truth is I do love to eat more than bread and coffee every now and then.) Later on though, Amarilys graduated, the condominium sold (we even got some money back), my husband was transferred back home and I got a new job.
There were other times I will forever cherish: Amarilys (my daughter) and Grace Kelly (her cat) moving back home after college; Amarilys in our home office planning her wedding; she & Ryan moving with us before leaving for Asia; Eduardito crossing the street to spend some time watching Mr Maggoo or Felix the Cat (he still argues with me Felix is a 'girl cat') and Andreita covered with pillows in our couch. I loved having them at home; loved holding her and talking to her instead of leaving her in the couch and watching Eduardo eating my ice cream while watching a video without blinking.
Will also treasure the gatherings of people from church which were a regular thing to the point my stepson once said to me: "there are always people here". I think it was all preparation for what is coming. Also, that's the way I grew up in the house of a pastor - people coming unannounce was a regular thing. At least here, I either invited them or they called. We cried with some, prayed for others, argued with some and one or two of our long-staying guests were kicked out (well, not really kicked, bought them a ticket hum, both were girls!).
I loved my quiet moments with the Lord in this house. The morning prayers before the sun would come out or the phone started to ring or before cars and noise filled the streets. The smell of coffee I think was a regular fragance: while reading the Bible, on a rainy or cold day, after arguments with my husband (did I say arguments? nahh); a long night waiting for news on Andreita, after the Bible study, or just because. Sometimes alone, sometimes Chela would come over, others just when my husband would come for work or Amarilys asked for some, any excuse was good for a cup of coffee at this house.
I loved receiving my brothers and sisters and my mother here along with some nieces and newphews who stopped by. I appreciated so much and treasure the fact that my brother Benji and his wife Rosahisela lived next door to us. It sort of gave me comfort to know they were there even if we did not see each other every day. To see light at night in their house when I was driving home, was always a sense of goodness, wellness - can't say exactly but I guess is a feeling that comes from knowing that you have relatives close by. I'll certainly miss crossing the street to share a piece of news that I'd rather communicate in person instead of by phone.
Leaving the house means taking another step of faith in our journey of God's will for our lives. It means leaving a place we call ours to get one like I like to say that will have God's signature and not ours. We tend to be possessive of things: my couch, my bed, my TV. Having other guests at home (staying over 3 months we had 4) taught me about this. "They have the feet on my couch"; "she is going to ruin my carpet on that room". Wherever we go later to start a boarding house/safe house, is not going to be ours but HIS. We will be just guests there as the others will be with the difference that our presence will be constant while the others are transitioning, going thru. We hope to be able to serve, to lead, to teach not just with studies but with our lives.
Leaving the house is leaving a security blanket sort of thing. Leaving the comfort that comes with privacy, that comes with knowing you have a place to call home. Leaving the house is renouncing to a way of thinking, a lifestyle, and learning and accepting a new one. I've learned to welcome change and I look forward to new learnings in new beginnings.
margaret