"Just Give Me Jesus"

These few days I have been questioning what is it that has me sad about my serving. Am I not happy with what I do? Have I lost the joy of serving? I thought for awhile about those two questions and my answer is "NO". I'm not unhappy with what I do. I like what I do and I do it joyfully. I actually rejoice when I have to go and pick someone coming out of prison who is going to be part of our transitional house. Weeks before their release date, toiletries baskets are prepared, messages sent to volunteers to be ready, activities and places to go are planned. So, what is it?

Then this morning I felt the need to watch this video which is a part of a 6-lesson series. I have watched it before but somehow I needed to go back and watch the last session. I really do not remember what it covers; all I know is that I have to watch it. God knows what we need. This session presented a lady who was serving food to the homeless at a shelter her father had opened. She had a bad attitude and was complaining about a girl at the shelter. Her father asks her: "Do you know her name? Have you care to ask her that?" Then he tells his daughter to leave. She says she wants to stay. When asked why? She replies, "Because this is what we are supposed to do, right? We are supposed to feed the hungry and help the poor." The father says, "No. I do it because I love the Lord and therefore I do it out of love for HIS creation not because I'm supposed to do it." Then in the video I'm reminded that to love the Lord and follow HIM, is going to cost me something. The guy in the movie has left his job to open the shelter and moved his family to a smaller house. I stopped to think, "Maybe that's it. The sadness comes from something I have lost. What is it that I'm crying about?" And then, I knew.

I have lost and I'm missing my privacy. Even though, that has been obvious to me all these years and to others, I thought I have accepted it. But after almost a year of having back to back guests, and attending to their needs day in and day out, and putting up with so much ungratefulness, I realized how much I miss my privacy. I finally put the finger on my sadness. Talking to a friend and volunteer at the house, I tell her, "The things I miss the most are the little things. Like reading my Bible in the couch with no one looking over my shoulder and asking, "What are you reading?" or "Can you help me with the computer now?" without any consideration of my own time and needs. It is having a cup of coffee sitting in the backyard watching the bluebirds chasing the squirrels or the cat avoiding the dog. But then as I prayed and wanted to mourn the loss (I thought that's what I needed to do), Philippians 3 comes to mind. Some of the verses I have memorized and now they come to mind reminding me of the futility of my thoughts.

Paul writes: "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of things... that I may gain Christ." (Phil 3:8). As my mind remembers that, I think how foolish I have been. How I have left the enemy to fog my mind to forget momentarily --- well almost for a week --- that I have gained so much more, I have GAINED CHRIST! Yes, I have lost privacy but "for the excellence of the knowledge of Jesus"! See, the blinders come down immediately with the Scriptures. There is nothing this world can offer that would surpass the fact that I come to know HIM better; that my intimacy grows with the knowledge of knowing HIM and gaining HIM. I can be "found in HIM" like Paul continues in those verses. Whatever it is that we "suffer loss" for has no comparison to what was done for us in the cross and to what we gain. As Anne Graham Lotz says: "Just give me Jesus!"

Forgiveness

In my experience in teaching about emotions, this subject of forgiveness is the one that provokes heated discussions. Most people are not ready to forgive even those who called themselves Christians. (Christians are to be Christ-like and HE forgave the whole humanity at the cross. I find it very difficult to see Christians carrying a grudge. They have forgotten how much they have been forgiven by the Son of God.) Why the difficulty when it comes to this subject? There are many reasons and I'll mention a few along the "way". But first, let me say that what I hear the most in my chats is: "I don't feel like forgiving" or "She/he doesn't deserve it". However, when we do not forgive someone the damage is to us and not to the offender. We are the ones in the hands of hatred, resentment, and revenge. We are the ones with the dark soul.

FORGIVENESS is a CHOICE. If we wait to "feel like" forgiving, it will never happen.Our flesh, our emotions are not built that way. We tend to carry the grudge rather than forgive the offender. We tend to lean toward revenge instead of forgiving. We tend to shout out the offense rather than keep it quiet. We want people to know how bad someone is so if we forgive the offender we feel we are making the person looks good.

First of all, to forgive doesn't mean I will forget what happened. We tend to say, "I can forgive but I can't forget." And that's true. We won't forget. We have been equipped with a great brain with a lot of storage space. However, the key is how do we remember the offense. Do we cry when we remember it? Healing is not complete. Do we get angry when we remember it? Forgiveness has not taken place. One of the indications that you have forgiven is that when you remember it, you realize you've grown; there is new knowledge and you've matured in that area. You have learned something. You may use your experience to help others overcome similar situations and you use it wisely with compassion and love. You don't bad-mouth the person when you narrate it to teach because you don't want to damage the person you have forgiven. You care that much.

Forgiveness is also a response from having been forgiven. In other words, we have received mercy so we have mercy on others. We don’t forgive because the offender deserves it; instead we forgive someone who does not deserve it… very much like us when we came to Jesus. By forgiving the offense, we accept that we are not perfect either and therefore we exercise mercy. This is one of the reasons why we don't want to forgive someone who comes to us and asks for forgiveness. In order to accept the apology, we'd have to recognize we did something that cause others to feel or think bad about us and we can't accept that. We can't face the fact that we failed to excel; that we are NOT perfect. Is like screaming, "How dare you to think that about me?" It just goes to show that we can't handle the truth. So, we rather ignore it and say, "there is nothing to forgive" or totally take a very defensive stand trying to make the other person see the wrongness in the apology. Yes, totally irrational but we do it.

To carry a grudge is dangerous to our health as there is no peace in our soul and it may provoke anxiety. Any time we see the offender we resent they are going about his/her life like nothing happened while we are consumed by the hatred. To forgive is to surrender. When we don’t forgive we are bonded to the person that hurt us. We might be thinking, “Why let him/her go?” And that’s precisely the problem! While we don’t forgive, we will stay "hooked" to that person that hurt us. But when we forgive, we let the person go from our lives but not from God. We must trust that God will treat that other person with justice, equity and mercy, something that we cannot do.

We don't forgive so that the other person will change.We forgive to be at peace with ourselves and God. When you are the one apologizing, you have to be prepared that the person may not even accept your apology and that's fine. You do the part of confessing your offense and you are released from your part on the conflict. It does require humility to accept that we thought or said something bad about someone or actually wronged the person. We have to let the pride down and as we were bold enough to say negative things about someone, to face up and admit we did wrong. The person accepting the apology has to also put aside the pride and accept he/she is not perfect. The opposite would be to humiliate the offender with throwing in his/her face all the hurt caused by the offense. Just accept the apology and forgive without any "but you did....". That is not easy as we will like to make it clear to the offender, before we forgive, how bad it was, how much damage he/she caused us. That's why we can't forgive on our own strength. We need God's grace to forgive the offense without any "but...".

Don't expect that when you forgive someone the hurt will immediately cease. Forgiveness comes first and is immediately; at the moment. Healing comes much slower but it can't start without taking that first step.

Something I get asked a lot is:

How do I know if I have truly forgiven my offender?

My answer is with another question. Ask yourself, Can I pray blessings over this person and be happy he/she is doing great in life?" or, "Can I think of good things about and for this person?

Does it get easy with time? I think so. I think that as you practice forgiveness with God's strength you learn how good it feels. You realize that is not worthy going through life with resentment in your heart. You learn. You grow. You mature. Will it hurt less? Not really, as each conflict is different and you still have a heart that's sensible. However, you'll experience love, HIS love, like never before.

For those who called themselves Christians, I ask them,

If God does not punish us according to our sins, if He has forgiven us and does not remember our sins, but instead delights in forgiving us, shouldn’t we do the same and forgive our brethen?

In Micah 6:8 we read,

He has showed you, O man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

There is no way you can do all three and go through life without forgiving others or accepting forgiveness in your life.

Whenever you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you show God how much you appreciate his gift of forgiveness to you. And that ALWAYS pleases HIM!

A Tribute to My MOM - Luz Eneida Morales

I just found out my mother was called to the presence of the Lord. I have started writing this tribute for mother's day. The original date 5/11/2013. I did not send it to her as I realized it may embarrassed her a bit and was going to modify it for her. Instead, today I modified it for me as she won't get to see a word of this. I'm glad I told my mother I loved her last night. I had no idea that my 55 minutes talk with her were going to be my last. Not only I said it, but I said it twice as I thought she did not hear me at first. She said it back and the usual "Dios te bendiga" (God bless you). I'm also glad that years ago I've written her a letter which covers most of this tribute. My appreciation for her, my not-so-great moments with her, and asking her for forgiveness.
A tribute to my mom
I have been blessed with having a daughter who makes me feel bad sometimes. (ha!) Yes, she loves me but she lets me see when I fail or embarrass her reminding me this way I’m not the perfect mother I’ve dreamed to be. For example, watching my grandchild one day, I’ve jumped, ran, pushed his car, done pirouettes and watched a Veggie Tales movie (well, through his 10 min attention span). I finally let him get busy on his own, playing with his cars and I did some ironing by the kitchen doorway. (He played between living and kitchen so I found a place where I could watch him.) My grandchild decided to go out of the kitchen to our patio to play with his cars outside – the ‘highway’ on the patio does not have all the obstacles as the living room. I was able to still watch him from my position through the three, 71” tall glass windows in the kitchen (more windows than wall) plus the door was opened. About 10 minutes after I opened the ironing board, I heard a car pulled in the driveway and I waited assuming no one will come all the way unless it was my daughter and her husband or my sister-in-law. But no one came out of the car immediately. Then I see the dad coming reaching out to his son and hurrying to the back yard; but no sign of my daughter. So, I finally went out and asked her if something was wrong (they had been in a lunch meeting). Something was wrong. But it wasn't the meeting. It was Me. I wasn’t watching Ezra as I was supposed to. When I said I was, she mentioned that I did not come out when the car got there. “Because I knew it got to be you guys.” It did not matter I said that not only was I able to watch him from where I was but also we did a lot together until 10 minutes ago; I messed up. My daughter was pointing I have failed… and that hurt. (My mom & my Daughter)

That got me thinking about mothers. How much a mother tries to be the best mother to her children. How we, mothers, want to protect our children from pain and pretty soon they are giving us pain; but we take it. We just don’t want them to have it. Then in China, there was another incident. I made a comment that my daughter did not approve. The tone of voice she used made me feel she was embarrassed of me. And that did it. I was reminded of my relationship with my mother and the times I have done the same to her. I grew up thinking like most of us do. As children, we believe our mothers are beautiful and intelligent and we want to grow up to be just like them (I even have a paper my daughter wrote to that effect). Then, as we become teenagers, we pull away from our mothers not wanting to be anything like them. In adulthood . . . We are just like them. We realize we have become our mothers. The incidents with my own daughter always took me to the phone to call my mother and confess my own trespasses toward her. One of those times was from China. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for the times I’ve corrected her in public about things she should or should not say. I wanted to tell her I love her and that she could be herself. So, I called and she greeted me sort of excited knowing I was calling from China. I had a small speech prepared but did not get to say anything. She talked, and talked and talked. Then asked a few questions about my trip and then she was gone to church. I sat thinking, “I did not get to say what I wanted to say. She did not let me talk.” And then, smiling, I thought, “That’s mom.” Through one of my siblings I heard my mom's knees needed surgery. I called mom to find out about details. She talked a bit about it but then changed the subject as if it wasn’t important. Again, I did not get to tell her that I was praying for her knees to heal since because of those knees I believe I’m alive and serving God today. Those are the knees that prayed for protection over my life when I did not feel like praying myself. Those are the knees that carried me through the dark days of my life and now “Lord”, I said, “those knees need your healing touch to keep our family glued to you.”

My mom did not always do all the talking. Every now and then she stopped to listen about the ministry and the work we are doing in Texas. When I visited her last summer, we sat in the living room with a cup of coffee and got into some deep talks. She never said she was “proud” of me but she let me know she admired me for obeying the Lord and doing HIS work. The Lord gave my mom an awesome responsibility – and it did not end when we all left home. She kept teaching, preaching and praying for us… all 11 of us. My mom, I've always said, taught me how to pray. She gave me my first lesson of what is to pray being specific and completely sincere with God.

Tell HIM you don't like it

, she said,

HE already knows it just tell HIM to help you with that issue.

I did and it worked! I was 13 years old. In one occasion, I was talking about how good my mom sounded and how much she is admired when she is preaching / talking among the people she helps. However, taken out of her circle, she did not sound so good. A person said, “You have to accept (or see) that she is sort of a hillbilly.” I stopped to think and laughed at the suggestion realizing that it made a bit of sense. Then, I looked at the person and said, “Yes, but that’s my mom and she is the only one I got and I love her. Imperfect and all.” This is the mom that would sit all 9 of us (at the time) to read the Bible and an article from the Reader's Digest and prayed the nights we did not go to church. I always tell the ladies I disciple that she would have breakfast ready every morning, waited until we finished eating and read a Psalm and prayed before we went to school. Sometimes the bus driver waited for us as she wasn't finished. She was determined for us to "get it". God comes first and it will do us good not to neglect the reading of the Scriptures. Her legacy is forever embedded in my heart. Is part of the quilt of my life.

I dreaded the day I will lose you and that day have come. I wondered my reaction and how I would feel when I can’t hear your voice. When I’d pick up that phone to call only to realize you’re not there to answer. Well, I know how it feels: very painful and unreal. But there is joy too. My first thought after hearing “she is gone” was “Oh mom, you have seen Jesus' face. You have already seen HIS face. What a moment!” The next one was a funny one,

She is probably trying to sing along with the angels lifting up her voice higher than them and missing a tune here and there.

That’s my mom and I’ll miss her every day of my life.

I’ll see you in Heaven and everything will be perfect.

Letting Down the Net

In Luke 5, we find the story of what in Spanish Bibles is sub-titled: "La Pesca Milagrosa" (The Miraculous Catch). There is even a Spanish Christian hymn that goes something like: "It's the miraculous catch of God's handy work; throw your nets for there are so many souls walking without salvation..." As I was reading, Peter's words in verse 5 got my attention, "...nevertheless, at YOUR word I will let down the net." We all have heard this preached in sermons or taught at a Bible class, at least I have many times. But because the Word of God is living and powerful (Heb. 4:12) a Scripture you are very familiar with all of a sudden has a special meaning to you. At that moment it speaks to your heart. The story goes on that the catch was so big, so out of what they had seen before as fishermen - and considering this is what they have done all their lives it was REALLY big - that Peter fell down at Jesus' knees and said, "Depart from me, for I'm a sinful man, Oh Lord." (vs 8). All the men present had witnessed a miracle and they were all thinking, "who is this man?" I like to think that I too have answered the call and have been willing to continue in obedience to HIS voice without questioning HIS orders. But I don't. At some instances I have done so: "at YOUR word, I quit my job" and HE has been providing; "at YOUR word, we sold the house" and we have a roof over our heads. But when it has come to accept some women to mentor and/or to give them shelter at the transitional house, it has been more like, "Really, Lord? Look at this one so messed up, such a huge criminal record; really?" But it was "at HIS word" that I accepted two very different ladies, one introduced to me by the other. Though I've been warned by other volunteers and I myself did not like the idea of one coming due to her very visible stubbornness and 'know it all' attitude, "at YOUR word Lord", I said, "I do it trusting you". And whether or not I see my 'miraculous catch' here on earth, I will obey. Both ladies have turned their backs on me and the volunteers trying to reach out to them. However, I felt this great peace, that I obeyed and HE taught me one more time where my trust is. Many times after struggling about sending that letter of acceptance to an inmate, they turn the offer down and I realized that it was all a test... for me. When you step out of your comfort zone to obey, exercising your faith there are no guarantees things are going to go great. But you have to trust that no matter the outcome, HIS blessings are upon you. The Bible shows us that our faith will be put to a test, again and again. Will I trust HIM as I tell others to trust HIM? Will I reached out and sacrificed my "Isaac" like Abraham was willing to? I find each time, I have a long way to go but if I want to have my miraculous catch, I have to keep throwing the net at HIS word.

We Can Never Recover Yesterday....

In a day when one year ends and another starts, it is customary (normal? expected?) to look back and see how many resolutions were kept; how many never even got started; how many lasted the first three weeks, or for those more persistent, three months. I have always said I don’t do resolutions and that’s one reason why; I don’t have to look back and see what I did not accomplish; I don’t have to live with regrets about yesterday. I have other reasons but this is one of them. As we know, we cannot make up for lost time. We can never recover yesterday. There is no point in sleeping one day more than other to make up for a sleepless nights as you wake up with your body aching or fall behind schedule. There is no point in reading two books in a couple of days to make up for those we said we would read but did not. You won't learn or remember much about what you read. It doesn’t matter how much we visit and try to catch up with family and friends, nothing can replace the missing birthdays, anniversaries, and moments of laughter and moments of need. I was thinking that trying to relive or recover yesterday is like that sweater or pair of pants you put in a trunk and forgot. One day cleaning, you dig in that trunk and find the sweater (or the pants) and think (like I have) “I forgot I have this”; and then think about wearing it again. But… it doesn’t fit or even if it does fit, you have aged and the style is no longer appropriate. Even if it is a weight problem, it will take too long to get back to that size and wear it again. By that time you already forgot you own it… again. So, what do you do? You finally have to accept you can’t have it. The time is past for using it so you put it in a bag to donate it. There is that comforting thought that someone will be able to use it. I was thinking that’s pretty much what happens with the day gone, the opportunity lost, the yesterday we can’t recover. There is a lesson learned; maybe some wisdom as simple as “don’t leave for tomorrow what you can do today” but definitely a lesson that, just as the sweater that won’t be yours to wear again, someone else will benefit as you shared your lesson with someone who then won’t miss on yesterday. See, today will be yesterday pretty soon. You won’t have another today. So what it is you want to do or think you should do in order to live better, love more, laugh louder and don’t regret the today that will be come your yesterday? Don’t go doing resolutions and putting demands on yourself that you know you won’t keep. Live each day to the fullest, today, and you won’t have to waste time thinking on how to recover yesterday because you won't.

Serving No Matter What

Recently, I was given an opportunity to share what I do two days in a row to two different audiences. After the second day, I realized that I had said something I'm used to reply when someone praises my actions and it may have given the wrong impression. Usually people say something like, "Wow, I admire what you do. So sacrificial. Thank you for doing what you do." I usually answer, "I'm not a good servant. I do it complaining all the way." And in a way it is true. I do complain to God and to my husband because (and I'm justifying my behavior) the people I served do stretch anyone's patience... sometimes. After my last experience, I decided that instead of running to the telephone to complain to my husband (who can't do anything but to listen - and that's all I'm looking for),I'd get on my knees and take my case before the Lord. By the time I get up from my knees, I'm ready for the next person. The truth is I do LOVE what I do and I DO care for the people I help. See, I'm in prison ministry and I help women in and out of the prison. This is a ministry where you give, and give, and then give some more. I actually think it is the reason while there are not enough volunteers and many churches rather go on helping children in Africa or Asia. It takes from you so much and you see little or no fruits. You have to endure bad habits, lies, manipulation, anger, disrespect, pain, emotional distress. You have to face and deal with cranky attitudes, neediness, solicitations of cash and by the time I'm done I hit the bed at night feeling emotionally exhausted. However, I do LOVE what I do because though it is not a fair trade, I can give back and share with others what I have received from God: HIS MERCY. And yes, I may not see the harvest in most of the cases, but HE did not send me to collect the harvest but to plant the seed. That's my job. When I help a woman coming out of prison, there is no guarantee I'll get love for love and that each act of kindness will be acknowledged. Many times the hard thing is not the lack of appreciation but that I have to be willing to receive pain in return for the help I give to others. Instead of acceptance and a smile, I deal with rejection and someone who says, "You have no right to knock at my door" after I have given them shelter for months. There have been so many women who have cried on my shoulders and once everything is fine they just disappear though they have promised again and again they will stay in touch. Four years ago, I waited for a few weeks to hear from them and will ask other volunteers if they have heard anything from them. Later I learned not to wait and when others now say that, I just smile. I have a few stories of ladies who have done good on their promises of not just keeping in touch but practicing what I have taught them. It would be great if all the stories have a happy ending. But it is not so. However, though I cry out to God sometimes in disappointment, I still look forward to helping others who come my way. I embrace the challenge and share God's love in hope for restoration each time; knowing that GOD is in charge and not me. HE produces change and I'm just a conveyor of HIS love. It is my choice to obey God in sharing HIS love with others. I step willingly into challenging and uncomfortable situations, but I know HE's got my back and I have nothing to fear. I choose to be Christ-like and say, "Not my will but thy will be done". Each time I do deny myself and open up myself to my own flaws and insecurities but knowing that there is always healing for me and those I serve. As I help others, I'm affected by HIS love and with each person I help I'm being molded, reshaped into the likeness of Christ. And that's why though I may say here and there that I complain, all in all I keep on serving knowing that HE has given me so much more. HIS mercy endures forever.

Telling the truth

Last night (7/6/12) at the Dawson State Jail where I teach, I had a difficult moment on telling the truth to someone in pain. I was talking about strongholds and from occultism and horoscope readings the conversation came to mediums and people praying/speaking to the dead and TV shows about consulting the dead. I talked how the Bible tells us that once we died, our Spirit is reunited with God and our memory from earth is no more. This is when usually someone asks if praying to a specific saint or virgin is wrong. But instead I got a different approach from a lady I will call Cherry. I was just moving away from the subject when Cherry raised her hand and said, “Going back to what you said, is it wrong then I talk to my mother? Can’t she hear me?” I asked her to elaborate while I was praying on my mind for a wise answer – as I usually do when put in those situations – and so she went on saying: “My mother died when I was 21. Since then, I talk to her believing she can hear me because it pains me that she did not get to know my children so I talk to her about them and other things.” The room grew so quietly everyone waiting for my response as this is something that will burst someone’s bubble. I know that I have to speak the truth. I know I have to help others come out of the darkness of ignorance and into the light of the Lord but this was hard. This lady was in tears as she spoke. She has taken her glasses off as she could no longer see through them as she was asking the question and the tears were coming easily just at the expectation of some truth she did not want to hear. After a second or two to what it may have seemed very long to everyone waiting for my response, I looked her directly in her eyes, like there was no one else in that room. I said, “Cherry, you understand that the Bible tells us that the truth will set us free (John 8:32) but sometimes the truth does bring pain. For example, someone may call me stubborn and it hurts. But it hurts because I realize that sometimes I do act like that and what hurts in this case is that someone saw the ugly side of me. But that then brings me to my knees where I pray for forgiveness and to be more like Christ. At other points, we know the truth, but we do not want to accept that truth because it means to give up something we like or enjoy; it has become a stronghold. In either case, when the truth is revealed, humbly we should ask the Holy Spirit to help us accept the truth we find in Jesus Christ. Now before I answer the question, tell me how you really relate to your mother. Is it a thought, like you when you had your babies and said something like, ‘Here is your grandkid mom’ or is it more than that.” Cherry responded: “No, is more than that. I talk to her like I talk to God. In any moment of stress or difficulty I talk to her and that helps me to think she is there with me, helping me through it. I talk to her every day. But I still talk to God too.” At that moment, I knew I couldn’t go ‘around the bush’ but to reveal the truth. I said, “Listen to your own words: ‘like I talk to God’ (the other women at this point moved their heads in approval and some whispered). You are giving her the same position as God. That’s an idol, that’s not right.” She interrupted and asked, “So, you’re telling me that all this time she couldn’t hear me.” “No, she hasn’t been there. God however is there all the time. Why do you talk to her? You talk to her for comfort, for strength like you said ‘in your difficult times’. God is the one who should occupy that place, the first that you go to in order to receive comfort. HE is the one there for you ready to hold your hand in times of trouble and give you the wisdom and strength you need to overcome your trials. By going to her, you are putting HIM in second place and actually HE can’t help you then because HE can’t go against HIS written Word where we find that that HE does not share HIS glory with anyone (Isaiah 42:8). In believing that your mother has been there for you, where does that leave God? How can HE be glorified in your life? The enemy wants to keep you in darkness so you don’t call out to the true and ONLY God who can hear your prayers; who can see your needs; the one who can comfort your heart.” The group was silent; some were crying. I proceeded, “I know this is painful, but I also know that once you take this wall down, it will open the way for the truth of Christ in your life and your Spiritual walk will be different. There will be true relief and joy inside. There will be victories in your times of trouble. Doesn’t mean there won’t be storms, but HIS spirit will comfort you and be with you along the darkest moments just like it says in Psalm 23. But we do have a hope in Christ. We have the hope to be reunited with our loved ones who died in Christ as your mother did. The fact that the Bible describes heaven as a place where there won’t be any more tears or pain tells me those who have gone before us, are not able to look down because they will be the ones in tears. Look how is all going around us!! We are selfish. We want them with us even when they are sick and in pain we don’t want them to go and be in the presence of the Almighty God. You should find comfort on the fact that your mother is no longer suffering with cancer and she is rejoicing in HIS presence” She mumbled, “I know she is in a better place but I do miss her.” I asked her if she would let me pray for her. She immediately got up and came to me. We all prayed, we all cried with her. For me, I felt like I have made her go through her mourning all over again. Sadly, in prison we are not allowed to hug the prisoners; but I held her hands for a while after I finished praying. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to help her deal with the truth and accept that her mother though physically was not a part of her, there is a legacy that will always be part of Cherry’s life. The way she was brought up. (It was her mother who took her to church and taught her about life.) The memory of her mother can and will still live in the fact that she is teaching her children what she learned from her mom. There is an inheritance, a legacy of her mother that will live on forever but it should never occupy the place of God in her heart. I prayed for peace in her heart; I prayed for a new hope of an open relationship with her Savior; I prayed for her kids who have come to know their grandmother from her mother’s stories and experiences with her. I prayed that the memory of her mother will be a sweet one and of encouragement on what to do with her life. She did seem calmed after we prayed. I proceeded with telling the story about my 5 yr young niece going to Heaven. I was given the task to call relatives to come before the machine keeping her breathing be removed. Every time I picked the phone I’d put the receiver down without dialing not believing what I was doing. I finally made the first call to my mom. Then to others but each time there was this disbelief as to what I was doing or saying. However, I did not question the Master but remembered Romans 11:33-36. Something I memorized long before my niece reunited with the Lord, when someone asked me on a Thursday night class, “why did God allow me to be raped? Why didn’t He stop and kill that man?” That Scripture came to mind and I answered that young lady that instead of looking for the “why”s of life, how about rejoicing that HE has rescued her (as she confessed to be a Christian now) and that the story we have now brings glory to HIS name. And to rest in the hope that one day, not too far, we will have all the answers. But you know what? I believe when we are there, at HIS presence, the joy will be such we won’t care for the answers or even remember we even questioned something. Our joy will be complete. I ended up this difficult moment of telling the truth with the lyrics of a song I heard on my 48-yrs young cousin’s funeral. “If you could see me now You'd know I've seen His face If you could see me now You'd know the pain's erased You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place; if you could only see me now.” I did not sing it, just recited the words and when I finished the peace of God could be felt and Cherry was smiling.