I'm someone's porcupine -

I have been reading a book that at first I thought, "I could have written this" not because I know how to write (I don't) but because I have been teaching and preaching this stuff. John Ortberg's book, "Everybody is normal 'til you get to know them" starts with a truth I have repeated again and again, (but I forget to apply too many times), I put up with others, because they have to put up with me. In Ortberg's words, "We are all damaged goods." A few years ago, I went to work for a printing company and there was this big, quite but very negative guy. After a few months there, I went to the production area of the company and a guy said to me, "How is it going working with 'John'? Does he even say anything to you? That guy was so mean and wouldn't talk to anyone here." This John used to work in production and have been promoted to the graphics dept and actually helped me a lot when I first got there. So, I told this guy, "I don't have a problem with him and yes, he talks to me." He said, "How can you? He is difficult to deal with. What have you told him to make him even be civilized with you?" My response, "I just put up with him because he has to put up with me. So, I accept him for who he is." The guy walked away making a comment like I was crazy. The reality is we think we are so perfect and the others are wrong. Our ways are the best. Our opinions are the ones that count. We don't see ourselves with all our faults. We don't see that we are as "damaged" as the others that we are pointing at or trying to change.
This is something I discussed with my daughter once when one of my nephews came to live with us. He was helpful but only when I asked for help. One day, my daughter and I were moving a love seat from my office downstairs to the sitting area in my upstairs bedroom. We are two skinny gals and were struggling with the couch while my nephew sat at his computer and every now and then took a peak at what was going on (we were making a lot of noise: "Back up!" Put it down! Can't move!). At one point I lowered myself on the steps and the couch got me down as it landed on my lap. We laughed and cried. All this noise finally produced in my nephew a "Do you need help there?" Do you think? I still had to say, Will you help us?" for him to come. But once he joined us, he battled with the couch -- even taking the bedroom door down --until he finished the job. For everything, it was like that: unless I asked him, he wouldn't offer to help and I was mad. I'd talk to anyone who'd listen about this "attitude". Well, it is his trait. He probably has his reason to wait to be asked. Who knows how many times he got in trouble in the past for taking the initiative to help. Whether or not there was a root to his behavior, the point is that knowing him to be like that I should have accepted him that way and request help when needed. It wasn't after a few months of him living with us that I understood this and instead of waiting for him to have that motivation, told him what to do. Later on, I faced my own demons by realizing that I was being stubborn wanting him to be my way instead of me accepting his way. I was like that with so many others including my husband. I was always right, always in control, always the know-it-all not realizing I was making his life miserable. Instead of concentrating on his faults I started looking at my own. Instead of fighting the porcupine in my life, I learned to dance with him. We all have to accept others for who they are instead of trying to change them. Maybe it is you who have to change.