Serving No Matter What

Recently, I was given an opportunity to share what I do two days in a row to two different audiences. After the second day, I realized that I had said something I'm used to reply when someone praises my actions and it may have given the wrong impression. Usually people say something like, "Wow, I admire what you do. So sacrificial. Thank you for doing what you do." I usually answer, "I'm not a good servant. I do it complaining all the way." And in a way it is true. I do complain to God and to my husband because (and I'm justifying my behavior) the people I served do stretch anyone's patience... sometimes. After my last experience, I decided that instead of running to the telephone to complain to my husband (who can't do anything but to listen - and that's all I'm looking for),I'd get on my knees and take my case before the Lord. By the time I get up from my knees, I'm ready for the next person. The truth is I do LOVE what I do and I DO care for the people I help. See, I'm in prison ministry and I help women in and out of the prison. This is a ministry where you give, and give, and then give some more. I actually think it is the reason while there are not enough volunteers and many churches rather go on helping children in Africa or Asia. It takes from you so much and you see little or no fruits. You have to endure bad habits, lies, manipulation, anger, disrespect, pain, emotional distress. You have to face and deal with cranky attitudes, neediness, solicitations of cash and by the time I'm done I hit the bed at night feeling emotionally exhausted. However, I do LOVE what I do because though it is not a fair trade, I can give back and share with others what I have received from God: HIS MERCY. And yes, I may not see the harvest in most of the cases, but HE did not send me to collect the harvest but to plant the seed. That's my job. When I help a woman coming out of prison, there is no guarantee I'll get love for love and that each act of kindness will be acknowledged. Many times the hard thing is not the lack of appreciation but that I have to be willing to receive pain in return for the help I give to others. Instead of acceptance and a smile, I deal with rejection and someone who says, "You have no right to knock at my door" after I have given them shelter for months. There have been so many women who have cried on my shoulders and once everything is fine they just disappear though they have promised again and again they will stay in touch. Four years ago, I waited for a few weeks to hear from them and will ask other volunteers if they have heard anything from them. Later I learned not to wait and when others now say that, I just smile. I have a few stories of ladies who have done good on their promises of not just keeping in touch but practicing what I have taught them. It would be great if all the stories have a happy ending. But it is not so. However, though I cry out to God sometimes in disappointment, I still look forward to helping others who come my way. I embrace the challenge and share God's love in hope for restoration each time; knowing that GOD is in charge and not me. HE produces change and I'm just a conveyor of HIS love. It is my choice to obey God in sharing HIS love with others. I step willingly into challenging and uncomfortable situations, but I know HE's got my back and I have nothing to fear. I choose to be Christ-like and say, "Not my will but thy will be done". Each time I do deny myself and open up myself to my own flaws and insecurities but knowing that there is always healing for me and those I serve. As I help others, I'm affected by HIS love and with each person I help I'm being molded, reshaped into the likeness of Christ. And that's why though I may say here and there that I complain, all in all I keep on serving knowing that HE has given me so much more. HIS mercy endures forever.

Telling the truth

Last night (7/6/12) at the Dawson State Jail where I teach, I had a difficult moment on telling the truth to someone in pain. I was talking about strongholds and from occultism and horoscope readings the conversation came to mediums and people praying/speaking to the dead and TV shows about consulting the dead. I talked how the Bible tells us that once we died, our Spirit is reunited with God and our memory from earth is no more. This is when usually someone asks if praying to a specific saint or virgin is wrong. But instead I got a different approach from a lady I will call Cherry. I was just moving away from the subject when Cherry raised her hand and said, “Going back to what you said, is it wrong then I talk to my mother? Can’t she hear me?” I asked her to elaborate while I was praying on my mind for a wise answer – as I usually do when put in those situations – and so she went on saying: “My mother died when I was 21. Since then, I talk to her believing she can hear me because it pains me that she did not get to know my children so I talk to her about them and other things.” The room grew so quietly everyone waiting for my response as this is something that will burst someone’s bubble. I know that I have to speak the truth. I know I have to help others come out of the darkness of ignorance and into the light of the Lord but this was hard. This lady was in tears as she spoke. She has taken her glasses off as she could no longer see through them as she was asking the question and the tears were coming easily just at the expectation of some truth she did not want to hear. After a second or two to what it may have seemed very long to everyone waiting for my response, I looked her directly in her eyes, like there was no one else in that room. I said, “Cherry, you understand that the Bible tells us that the truth will set us free (John 8:32) but sometimes the truth does bring pain. For example, someone may call me stubborn and it hurts. But it hurts because I realize that sometimes I do act like that and what hurts in this case is that someone saw the ugly side of me. But that then brings me to my knees where I pray for forgiveness and to be more like Christ. At other points, we know the truth, but we do not want to accept that truth because it means to give up something we like or enjoy; it has become a stronghold. In either case, when the truth is revealed, humbly we should ask the Holy Spirit to help us accept the truth we find in Jesus Christ. Now before I answer the question, tell me how you really relate to your mother. Is it a thought, like you when you had your babies and said something like, ‘Here is your grandkid mom’ or is it more than that.” Cherry responded: “No, is more than that. I talk to her like I talk to God. In any moment of stress or difficulty I talk to her and that helps me to think she is there with me, helping me through it. I talk to her every day. But I still talk to God too.” At that moment, I knew I couldn’t go ‘around the bush’ but to reveal the truth. I said, “Listen to your own words: ‘like I talk to God’ (the other women at this point moved their heads in approval and some whispered). You are giving her the same position as God. That’s an idol, that’s not right.” She interrupted and asked, “So, you’re telling me that all this time she couldn’t hear me.” “No, she hasn’t been there. God however is there all the time. Why do you talk to her? You talk to her for comfort, for strength like you said ‘in your difficult times’. God is the one who should occupy that place, the first that you go to in order to receive comfort. HE is the one there for you ready to hold your hand in times of trouble and give you the wisdom and strength you need to overcome your trials. By going to her, you are putting HIM in second place and actually HE can’t help you then because HE can’t go against HIS written Word where we find that that HE does not share HIS glory with anyone (Isaiah 42:8). In believing that your mother has been there for you, where does that leave God? How can HE be glorified in your life? The enemy wants to keep you in darkness so you don’t call out to the true and ONLY God who can hear your prayers; who can see your needs; the one who can comfort your heart.” The group was silent; some were crying. I proceeded, “I know this is painful, but I also know that once you take this wall down, it will open the way for the truth of Christ in your life and your Spiritual walk will be different. There will be true relief and joy inside. There will be victories in your times of trouble. Doesn’t mean there won’t be storms, but HIS spirit will comfort you and be with you along the darkest moments just like it says in Psalm 23. But we do have a hope in Christ. We have the hope to be reunited with our loved ones who died in Christ as your mother did. The fact that the Bible describes heaven as a place where there won’t be any more tears or pain tells me those who have gone before us, are not able to look down because they will be the ones in tears. Look how is all going around us!! We are selfish. We want them with us even when they are sick and in pain we don’t want them to go and be in the presence of the Almighty God. You should find comfort on the fact that your mother is no longer suffering with cancer and she is rejoicing in HIS presence” She mumbled, “I know she is in a better place but I do miss her.” I asked her if she would let me pray for her. She immediately got up and came to me. We all prayed, we all cried with her. For me, I felt like I have made her go through her mourning all over again. Sadly, in prison we are not allowed to hug the prisoners; but I held her hands for a while after I finished praying. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to help her deal with the truth and accept that her mother though physically was not a part of her, there is a legacy that will always be part of Cherry’s life. The way she was brought up. (It was her mother who took her to church and taught her about life.) The memory of her mother can and will still live in the fact that she is teaching her children what she learned from her mom. There is an inheritance, a legacy of her mother that will live on forever but it should never occupy the place of God in her heart. I prayed for peace in her heart; I prayed for a new hope of an open relationship with her Savior; I prayed for her kids who have come to know their grandmother from her mother’s stories and experiences with her. I prayed that the memory of her mother will be a sweet one and of encouragement on what to do with her life. She did seem calmed after we prayed. I proceeded with telling the story about my 5 yr young niece going to Heaven. I was given the task to call relatives to come before the machine keeping her breathing be removed. Every time I picked the phone I’d put the receiver down without dialing not believing what I was doing. I finally made the first call to my mom. Then to others but each time there was this disbelief as to what I was doing or saying. However, I did not question the Master but remembered Romans 11:33-36. Something I memorized long before my niece reunited with the Lord, when someone asked me on a Thursday night class, “why did God allow me to be raped? Why didn’t He stop and kill that man?” That Scripture came to mind and I answered that young lady that instead of looking for the “why”s of life, how about rejoicing that HE has rescued her (as she confessed to be a Christian now) and that the story we have now brings glory to HIS name. And to rest in the hope that one day, not too far, we will have all the answers. But you know what? I believe when we are there, at HIS presence, the joy will be such we won’t care for the answers or even remember we even questioned something. Our joy will be complete. I ended up this difficult moment of telling the truth with the lyrics of a song I heard on my 48-yrs young cousin’s funeral. “If you could see me now You'd know I've seen His face If you could see me now You'd know the pain's erased You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place; if you could only see me now.” I did not sing it, just recited the words and when I finished the peace of God could be felt and Cherry was smiling.

A One time opportunity to Ask the King for Anything

As I was reading this morning Psalm 2, I paused at the words in verse 8: "Ask of Me, and I will give you the nations for your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for your possession." As many of other Bible readers have experienced, I've read this psalm many times and each time there is something new. At the moment, another verse came to mind. We were talking in our Life Group on Sunday morning in Matthew 7:7: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." And as the discussion progressed, it was mentioned surely Jesus did not mean for us to ask for that new Mercedes or Lexus. Or, as someone mentioned, telling others that God will definitely heal a person and insisting on praying louder for the miracle trying to 'twist' the hand of God as another person said he was taught growing up in a particular denomination. The question came again, how do we ask? What do we ask for? So this morning I thought, what if I'm before the KING of Kings and was directly told, "Ask of me and I will give you the nations..." after all, this Scripture is talking to me too. I thought, "I'm before HIM. What will be my request?" I really wanted to know what is in my heart so I knelt and imagined HIM at HIS throne, What is my request?, I asked myself again. And then, another part of Scripture came to mind, Matthew 14 when a request was presented to another king. The daughter of King Herod's live-in-lover and sister-in-law danced before the king on his birthday and "it pleased" him. So, "he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask." (v.7 NKJV) The young girl could have asked for anything, even part of the kingdom which meant she could receive tribute (payments) from its people. She could have asked for jewelry or even to have her own palace with lots of servants. She could have secured her future. But instead she asked for the head of John the Baptist. We all know Solomon also was presented with the opportunity, directly from God, to ask for anything. And we find Esther too, before a king with a petition for life - hers and her people. "Now, here I'm Lord before you. What is it I really want/need", I prayed. With tears in my eyes, thinking of the magnitude of such a moment, I looked around me and through the windows in my living room. I saw the big yard where I want a beautiful garden with water ponds and resting/inviting areas to read the Bible, meditate, rest or just be. I thought of the additional rooms for homeless women. I looked at the carport, oh, how many times I have driven around town and seen carports with a second floor surrounded by windows. My ideal sewing area, big and full of natural light. There are things unfinished in the house, I thought and we need money to complete them. The bathtub area is not tiled yet and the sheet-rock is getting wet. We don't have a door in the shower either and I don't like having a curtain instead of glass doors. Then I closed my eyes and said again, "What do I want to ask for. If this is my only request before you Lord, what does my heart want." And the words came without thinking, "I want your presence to be with me wherever I go, wherever I'm. I want you; more of you, less of me." And really, that's all I need; that's all we need though we not all may see it this way. If we have HIM, there is nothing we need. Come trouble times, financial hardships, adversity strikes in the form of illness or lost of a loved one, and if I have HIM, HIS peace will surround me, HIS love will sustain me. The words of the psalmist came to mind, and I made them mine, "I want to dwell in the secret place of the Most High, I want to abide under the shadow of the Almighty." How beautiful, how peaceful. I finished my prayer request, "I want you to be with me everywhere I go. I want you, Lord. You are all I need."

Exercising & Losing Weight: A Non-New Year Resolution

The end of April marked 121 days of the year so far and I wonder how many New Year's resolution are still being observed. I don't do resolutions. It has been awhile since I last did. I'm talking probably 15 yrs. The reason? I use to beat myself up when I couldn't keep them or just fooled myself by thinking "Well, it wasn't really a resolution, more like wishful thinking." So I finally stopped. Last Christmas however, I requested an exercise video "Get your body ripped in 90 days" and resolved to myself that 'eventually' I'd do the exercises and stick to them for two reasons. I needed to lose some weight (about 15-20 pounds) and since I had to exercise, why not try and prove if this works or not. Basically, to see what all the buzz is about. You see every time they advertise a weight losing program, they only use models that are perfectly fit, six packs and all so you'd think that can be you "EASILY". Well, at least this program starts with the host saying, "It is not easy; that's why it is called 'workout'. You have to push yourself but once you do, you will have changed your body." I have always exercise and used to walk 5 miles. But for a while I have completely stopped. Time, busyness, just plain lazy sometimes. Well, again, I was going to do this, and since not as a resolution - I kept telling this to myself - I waited until I felt "ready". Basically, having a place set - the bedroom or my office, mentally prepared, etc. Sometime by the end of January, I started. First, I sat and watched the first in the series of about 10 DVDs, to see how difficult they would be and what did I need (weights, exercise ball, a mat) and there was a DIET PROGRAM included! See, I knew it! No one says anything about dieting when they advertised the program. Is all about getting 30 minutes of workouts each day. I read through the diet plan. A 5-meal a day program with lots of items I never heard of like "Ezequiel 3:39 Cereals". Well, I decided that if I was to prove if the program works, I had to do the diet thing. After spending two days thinking all day about food - you know eating about every two hours - I realized I couldn't live like this. Thinking of food have never been a big part of my day and I wasn't going to start now. My husband and relatives tease me about eating like the birds, small portions and only when I'm hungry. Except for my love with coffee that is defined by my sister-in-law as "a relationship" (referring to her habit) I would control what I ate. I also found myself eating more than what I was used to during those two days and in a way I did not like that. After all, I needed to lose weight. I kept with the exercises but decided I wasn't going to become a 'health-nut' but I would watch what I eat and also incorporate some of the principles like: not eating sugar (except the one in my coffee, I wasn't going to sacrifice that), eat whole wheat whenever possible, avoid sugar-filled cereal (sorry, Lucky Charms, see you in 90 days), eat more vegetables and fruits, eat the egg whites, have a breakfast that did not consist of cinnamon rolls and coffee, etc. Well, I found out it is extremely expensive to eat healthy. Fruits and vegetables have to be purchased almost daily as they go bad too fast so I purchase small portions. Whole wheat bread (the real thing) cost about $3 more than the advertised as 'whole' but not 100%. I also learned to read labels. I educated myself on calories and decided to watch what I ate and count calories as I wasn't going to submit to the program's diet (the cereal mentioned above costs about $7/box! and the taste is not great at all). I learned a lot about food. But as I said, I wasn't going to become a health-nut nor criticize my friends for eating greasy food or empty calories. I was going into this with a purpose and ended up with more benefits that I had imagined. I'm not a fast-food person so that was not hard to give up but I did have to change my eating habits. I discovered a whole new world of flavors I have been depriving myself of since I limited my eating to cakes, cookies, and coffee with some Puerto Rican food whenever I craved some. (I used to describe myself as a steak and potatoes but I also do love Italian food.) Now, I was not eating any of the things I was used to eat and had to plan and look for recipes to accommodate my strength training exercises. I became an expert in soups, creamy soups that is. I used to say, "I don't eat soups" as I like my food to be sort of crunchy not bland. But soups were part of the diet program and I needed to come up with some I would enjoy. Tomato soup, avocado soup, bean and pumpkin soup are some of the few I cooked and my family loved. I learned there are green onion (yeah, I did not know about these) and that these make the soups tasteful along with cilantro and crushed red pepper. Things I never used before to cook as I limited myself to what I felt was 'safe' for my taste buds. The green onions thing was kind of interesting/funny. My husband said to me once he tasted the tomato soup, "those green things, do you buy them already chopped?" I said, "yes, Amarilys (daughter) bought them." and I showed him the container which he looked at to remember to buy (he cooks when working out of town). Later, I went to Kroger and Alberton's looking for the green onions on the see-through container. Couldn't find it. I thought these supermarkets do not sell green onions :) Then in another occasion, while looking for cilantro, it occurred to me to look for then non-chopped version. And I found them! That was how much I knew about veggies and spices as I limited my cooking to yellow onions, garlic and peppers. I started looking for new recipes which were flavor-full but low in calories and I did find quite a few. Not only did I discovered a new world of flavors, I started drinking more water (already drank 4 bottles a day now I'm up to 8) since the program required two bottles after every meal and before breakfast. As a consequence, my three - four cups of coffee per day were reduced to one except for weekends when my husband was home. I did not even crave it. Sweets was the hard part as this was my weakness. I truly believe in eating desert first (in case after dinner I wouldn't have 'room' for it. I went for three weeks without cookies and cakes. Then I started counting calories and decided to use my sister-in-law's method of allowing myself to eat desert only on weekends. Candies, which I used to snack on or keep in the car for those times I did not have time to eat, completely disappeared from my shopping. I would pass by the aisle and not even felt tempted to buy. I found out that the least you eat something (like cakes and candies) the least you miss them. We get used to things. We adapt. And that helped a lot. Bread was hard as we use to have bread every day. But that too is now under control. I always felt I have good self-control but this program really reaffirmed that. As a Christian and teacher, am always reminding my disciples that this is one of the fruit of the Spirit and we have to exercise self-control in every area of our lives. We are not guided by the pleasures of the flesh nor by every desire but by the Spirit. One thing though I never got. I did not feel better after exercising; like more energetic, ready to do more on my day. I felt like lying on the floor and resting; taking a nap or just lie there. I have always exercise before and I remember feeling energetic. Not now. And every day was a struggle to do them. Even when I started seeing the results. My husband noticed one day when I was changing, "you have a six-pack!". I said, "No, I have four. My belly is still covering the other two." But my fat was being reshaped. That's for sure. But again, even to this day, I fight getting that DVD on and exercising. My end results after 90 days in addition to all I learned about food and changing my eating habits (I do go back every now and then to surviving on coffee depending on the circumstances, but hate it) is that I lost 20 pounds! All around my belly. So, I can say the program works and I must say there were about 4-5 days that I did not follow the program (not in a row though). Whether because of traveling or just got involved in other things, or did not want to do it, I did not exercise all 90 days but did lose the weight. I don't think it would have been as effective without the eating right. It definitely has to be a combination of moving more and eating right. I will continue the program to get my other 2 missing packs, got too! At first, I told myself I did not care for the muscle reshaping thing. I'm 54 yrs old and don't wear 2-piece bathing suits or wear short shirts showing my belly around. But as I started seeing the forms coming along, I started wanting to see if for the 1st time in my life and at this age I can have the body I never had. Well, will see. One of the motivation for me to exercise after 40 was not to get osteoporosis and I was just diagnosed with it. So much for that. But one thing I know, going back to my normal weight makes me feel so much better I even bought new underwear!