Is there hope after prison?

As I wrote on my website, http://unavozeneldesierto.vpweb.com, we are all one mistake away from prison. I get a lot of questions about the prison ministry: "Why are they there for?"; "Aren't you afraid when you go in?"; "Do you see change? Is there a way for you to follow, to know if they do change their behavior?" I covered the other questions on the website. But the last question, I waited since I wanted to contact some of the ladies first for permission on sharing their testimonies though I'm not interested in sharing names, I still wanted them to let me share.
Since I started teaching almost two years ago, I have taught over 150 women Spiritual Healing and Boundaries. This is counting only the classes that end with certificates for those who finish. One lasts nine weeks the other six. These women have to commit to take these classes. Once they sign, they can't just leave and the only excuse absence is being sick. By the time we are done, a few have identified with me as their mentor and a bond is formed. Depending where they go after being released, I stay in touch - their decision - at least for a few weeks with some; longer with others. Unfortunately, most of them once we say our last good-byes on the day of their release, I don't hear from them. Some other volunteers may hear and tell me how they are doing. I can testify that of twelve I still see, visit or write to, only one is back in prison. I know of quite a few others that are back but I only knew them by my visiting the dorms often but they did not attend my class. Even the one that is back in prison who took one of my classes, is writing to me because she asked a common friend I write. That's what I mean "their decision". I give them my P.O. Box and is up to them if they want to get in touch. I'm proud to report that of the other eleven ladies whom I hear from regularly, three are in college, four have full-time jobs, two are searching for jobs, one decided to pursue more healing at a center before joining her family, and the other is staying home raising her kids and working on her marriage. Through other ex-inmates I hear from others, and last week I found out that another lady is working and studying and two others have returned home to their parents and are leading full lives staying away from trouble. I believe there is hope for those coming out but they have to want to change and as I tell them submit to GOD and let HIM guide your steps. We can't do it alone. We need HIM and a good support of friends, mentors, and family. I have known of a few others that I met during night services (Church) who are back on the streets. Just last week a lady we had great hopes for and was busy leading others in prison, is back on drugs herself. This lady never attended my classes. She already "knew a lot". She'd bring me other ladies so I'd pray for them and to see if I could take them in my class. But she herself felt too confident that this time (her third) was her last in prison. Raised in a Christian home was introduced to illegal drugs by her husband. A mother of two never could hold a job too long due to her addiction. When I was introduced to her the first time two years ago, she was walking on clouds. She said, "I know why God has me here. This time I got it." I was very sad when I hear about her situation but also thought at how easily pride and the devil's lies can keep us away from what God wants to do with us. Her feeling that she did not need to take my classes or others, kept her away from growing spiritually and forming a strong foundation with Christ. Life after prison? Yes, there are many women who can attest to that, but each individual has to be a willing participant in change.

GOD is in the Small Stuff

This morning I got three duffel bags in my car full with clothes, shoes, underwear, toiletries and inspirational books. These were for three ladies coming out of prison today and who have been my students while in prison.

As I was driving to take the highway, I wanted coffee since my first cup was about 6:30AM and now it was 10AM and I had not eaten anything. Besides is kind of a psychological thing with me - sip some good coffee while driving the 50 miles to the prison. I pulled over at Starbucks driveway and before driving to the window I did count my cash which was actually my parking money. I counted $18 which is exactly what I need for the rest of the week. So, I prayed while driving to the window to place my order using my personal debit card instead, "God, I'll be using my husband's hard earned money for an expensive cup of coffee. Please pardon me for not exercising self-control since I had proposed in my heart to only use cash." I have not made a promise about not using my debit card but I'm trying not to spend on impulse and certainly not in coffee. The cash means 'allowance' money and not family budget.

I placed my order and when I handed my card to the cashier, he motioned a 'no'. "The person in the car in front of you paid for your coffee." I looked up and said, "Oh, God. I'm taking care of these women with what little I have and you are taking care of me even in my little cravings." Psalm 37:4 came to mind "... he will give you the desires of your heart." This is not about needs for this is not a need, but a desire, sort of a wishful thinking.

This is great if you know the whole picture. When I quit my job, I thought that was the end of my Starbucks' trips. I work -- as many of you know -- PT at JCPenney while the house is being built. I cover gas and other expenses directly related to the prison ministry, including parking, books, Bibles, some of the clothes and underwear for these ladies with the money from that job. (My job at JCPenney ends OCT 10 and I'll go back at covering these expenses with my husband's salary.)None of the donated money for the ministry goes to the every day expenses I incur - that's strictly for building and future needs as we take women in. This week I earned $80 net since I was scheduled to work only for about 9 hours. From there after tithes and offering, I took $20 for my weekly parking at Dawson and put gas in the tank. I bought one of the duffel bags at Wal-Mart for $10 plus tax since only two were donated. Not much left after that. Since my parking needs vary from $15 to $20 weekly, that's why I counted it hoping I had $3 extra without touching the family money. I must say, GOD IS GREAT and faithful. He is OUR provider and HE IS in the small stuff because HE CARES for all his children.


Had my coffee, delivered the bags, gave a few hugs, and now going to work for 5 hours.

Letting God Do His Work

Today I was listening to a report on how addictive nicotine is. In the report, it mentioned that it can be stronger than marihuana and some other drugs, therefore to break the habit is very hard for long term users. After my experience with the two ladies I mentioned in my website (http://unavozeneldesierto.vpweb.com), I remembered an exchange I had with another volunteer at the prison. One lady had been released for about 2 weeks and still had no job. This other volunteer takes care of providing transportation to the ones who after released go to a Safe House. She usually takes them to the Dollar store to get some toiletries, to a burger place for their first lunch out of prison and a couple of days later to get their ID or Driver's license if they know the number. I have just visited the Safe House to see how this lady was doing and she told me she was smoking "because everyone at the Safe House does it". She followed that immediately with: "I'm not using that as an excuse.." And I told her: "Yes, you are. You said it so I'd not isolate you but look at the other 5 ladies there who 'are doing it' so the attention is on them smoking not on you picking up the habit." She accepted what I said and that was it. The volunteer greeted me this day and we talked about the new addition to the Safe House and she said: "You know she is smoking?" I said, "yes, I know." The volunteer had the same puzzled question I had, "Why? She was in prison for almost 2 years and did not smoke. Besides, where is she getting them, she has no money." I said probably the others are handing her cigarettes as they all go outside to smoke. It really bothered me them that these ladies, almost all of them take up the habit after so many "sermons". Now, of course, after my last experience with the last two ladies, and being rebuke by the Holy Spirit that I'm not out to change people but to teach them the Word of God, I have more peace about this because I know it is not my job but HIS. We want people to change but God is the only one who can do that. Even though this habit being very strong as I heard on the report mentioned above, I know God can free a person from this and other drugs without the need of patches, gum, or 'gradual' shots of any kind. My grandfather was a testimony of that. My mother tells the story of her being 7 years old and going with her father in Puerto Rico at night as he went from bar to bar. She was the oldest one after her older brother died at the age of 8, she was the one accompanying her father on his outings as it was the custom in Puerto Rico at the time (1940's). Even later on, when we moved from New York to Puerto Rico in the 60's, I remember seeing boys with their fathers just following a few steps behind or sitting around while their fathers had a drink. (I know it sounds pretty bad now.) One night, my mother says, they were going back home with her father stopping from time to time to get his composure since he was pretty drunk. At one point, they were in front of an evangelical church and he went in, my mother followed him inside. They sat on the last bench and later her father, when he heard an invitation for prayer, walked to the front where the pastor prayed for him. The following morning he asked my mother, if what he remembered from his previous night was true. She confirmed to him that he accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and that the pastor had prayed for him. My grandpa stopped drinking from that moment as he believed that he 'had giving his word and had to honor it.' Of course, we know that was the power of God who changed him from a bar hopper to a church-goer. There are many other testimonies of people changed by the power of God in such a way they have no desire for drugs, alcohol or nicotine. We know the Spirit of the Lord is power that transforms lives when they surrender all to him. But we can't change people. Sometimes we see gradual change, others we see instant change. But it is all HIM not us. We want to see everything now. But as I meditated on this, I went to church for years, actually raised in church and I did not surrender all to HIM; it took years for change to occur in my life; so many mistakes, so many bad habits, so many times of thinking I could do things my way and still serve the Lord. Now that I know better, now that I live a God-filled life, I find myself not being patient with others as God was with me (and still is since HE is not done with me). We all have to take our place, do our job as the Holy Spirit revealed to me that day - teach, guide, pray and love others - and let God do HIS thing.

When a child dies in the family...

One of the reasons I did not write for a few weeks, was the death of my 5 yr old niece, Andrea Victoria. Even now writing about it sounds unreal. It is hard to think and accept that she is no longer among us; yet we all know and truly believe, she is enjoying the company of Jesus in Heaven. Andreita suffered a seizure and was taken to the hospital in Jan 3, 2010. She stayed in the ICU for three weeks and then decided the struggle wasn't worth it; it was time to go back to her Creator.
That Sunday 17, when my sister-in-law called me to take her son, Andreita's older brother, 8yr old Eduardo to the hospital, I knew things were not right. All her mother said, "Bring him in. Andreita is not doing good". Eduardo, as with any child that age, wasn't allowed in the ICU plus her mother's voice was urgent and broken. We were on our way to church and changed our route towards the hospital. Eduardito's reply when told we were going to see Andreita was: "But the doctor won't let me go in to see her." I told him, "this time he will let you in". As soon as we arrived, the parents told me the very hard decision the doctors told them they needed to think about: let their child go by pulling all the life-support equipment off. The toughest part is that Andreita was conscious and very much aware of her surroundings. But they were trusting God on their decision. The doctors had done all they could for her. During that week, we saw this child breathing on her own strongly and the heart beating normally. By the end of the week, I walked into the room one morning and after looking at the monitor, immediately understood why the parents have asked me not to bring any one to the hospital that morning. I wanted to scream: "Oh no, no, no!!" But the control the Holy Spirit gives us is amazing. Of course, we still hurt and in the car driving, each time I had the opportunity of being by myself (I was driving/taxing everyone) I'd hit the wheel and scream "No, No, No!!" It was like a bad dream that never ended. It was stressful, physically and emotionally. I kept thinking was, "If I feel like this and I'm just the aunt, I can't imagine what the parents are going thru." They however, have proven their strength come from above. It was admirable to look at them encouraging others and keeping a smile and greeting visitors like they were coming to share a dinner with them, not to watch their daughter going away little by little.
When a child dies, at such a young age, it's hard to accept. We think of the times we won't share together, not seeing her in her bed or in the couch where she usually sat; the birthdays that won't be celebrated, the events such as graduation and college, walking down the aisle... but you know what? We are the ones thinking of those moments and lamenting "Oh, she won't be able to ..." but she, as with those who have parted, are not missing ANYTHING! These kids are in Heaven's playground; they are enjoying the presence of the Master; they are back to where they've belonged altogether. The Bible teaches us that before we were born, HE called us by name. So, at the moment my niece closed her eyes and her spirit was called, she found herself playing and running and enjoying with other children who have gone before her like she never left that place; she was back 'home' without that "i'm back" feeling but like nothing has happened; maybe just a dream of earth. I believe that. The Bible says that one day is like a thousand years to the Lord meaning time does not pass in His presence and I believe she will never age. The next time I see Andreita, she will be our adorable 5 yr old niece, with a great smile and wondering "where have you been?" But for now, she is not missing us.
Does this mean I do not cry? Does this mean I don't miss her? That I still want her with us? Yes I cry, it has been two months, and I still cry almost every day. I miss knowing she is not with her parents and when I visit is one less person to greet; and yes, I do want her with us but I immediately think she is doing good and that brings a smile to my tear-streamed face. She went thru so much pain - needles, IVs, oxygen mask, tubes down her nose and throat. Now, that is NO MORE.
This death, like any event is an interruption in our lives. The routine is altered, gone; and for a few days and weeks you don't seem to find your way back. Other events may affect us for a few days and soon things get back to normal: a sickness, a non-fatal accident, graduation, wedding, etc. But death is so permanent, so final, it is much harder to cope and get back that motivation to do what you're supposed to do. Even though it sounds cold, the phrase "Life goes on" is so true; your world may have been disrupted in a very painful way, a child is gone, but look around yourself... life goes on. Other kids go to school, her therapists are back at work, the doctors are attending other patients. I remember thinking of this when my father died. We were at the funeral home mourning, while on the street people were driving to work or coming from work; I saw delivery trucks and people having lunch chatting and socializing while a couple of steps away a family mourned and hurt for they loved one who was now gone.
In times like this, we Christians, have an amazing force helping us - we call it the Holy Spirit. I believe that if we don't experience pain we don't get to experience first hand the strength and power of the Holy Spirit. It is like having a racing car that you know can reach 200 mph but if you never have to put it to the test, you never know if it really reaches that speed or how amazing it feels. With the Holy Spirit, until you go thru a test you don't know much about what a difference He can make in your life. I always said, "I can't understand how can a parent survive a loss of a child." Now I know. Seeing my brother and sister-in-law putting all their grief, their burden in God and letting his Holy Spirit carries them through this time, I have seen HIS work in them and understand a little bit better. As for my own experience in all this, I have finally began my own routine after calling on HIM for help to get back and find the joy of doing the things I must do for HIS glory.

Back at Our Own Place

It has been a while since i last wrote. So many things have happened and it has taken some time for me and the family to readjust. After three months at my friend's house, we have moved to our own apartment but before that we did move back to our previous house to fix a few things for the new owners. We moved only with some clothes, an air mattress and the dog's cage... The house was cold and so empty and impersonal but what a sense of freedom! I went to the kitchen the next morning and made coffee and shouted out, "Thank you, God! I'm free!" The feeling was really exhilirating. After thinking about everything we did, it felt good to know I could drink a cup of coffee, leave the cup in the sink while exercising and come back later and wash it without having the urgency of doing it before someone walk on the door and look bad at me. So simple but felt so good. The dog is now free to run around - especially that the house is empty - and doesn't need to sleep on a cage. I prayed out loud, dance around while sweeping the floor and sang while cooking. Things I have not felt free to do before. In the other house, it was a pain to cook since it took me 15 minutes to make rice and 45 minutes to clean the stove and sink to look like nothing happened. I did not sing while working as I am used to do because I always was rushing so I could clean right away and leave everything perfect. I stopped cooking altogether. My husband and I ate lots of sandwiches and drank coffee in disposable cups. Sam (husband) yearned for eggs. He loves scrambled eggs on Saturday mornings so a couple of times we visited IHOP to satisfy his cravings. Each day I grew more depressed and it was hard to do anything. One of the things I learned is that the rules were not the problem in this house but the way these are enforced. Accusations or insinuations of violating rules we did not do ("It smells like dog upstairs"); not greeting us if the dog was out of the cage when she walked in (not a rule broken by this); ignoring our 'good deeds' -like fixing a broken wall upstairs and the picking up the leaves in the front yard. I noticed that my friend did not realize how bad she was making us feel. I talked to her 3 or 4 times about things and how we felt and it was like news to her. The looks, the ignoring us, the comments - how can she not know or realized we felt diminished by these? Lesson: I want to make sure I make people feel at home and comfortable. I don't want to overwhelm others by trying to enforce rules. I pray God gives me wisdom and guidance to balance it all.
Another lesson: a clean house or a house that looks like a magazine is not more important than people's feelings and it can feel quite impersonal and cold.

I talked last month with two women out of prison and living in Safe Houses about the rules and likes and dislikes to compare them to my experience. One of them told me she felt at home immediately. She walked in, sat and felt comfortable enough and 'at home enough' to put her feet on the furniture, talk and relax (that was her account). When asked for specifics a few things helped to make her feel 'at home': a couple of the girls in the house came from Dawson (prison) - she have known them for about 6-8 months; and the other ladies greeted her and made her feel very welcome she said. But, what about the rules? "Oh, everybody does their part and no one is pointing the finger at the other." I guess that's it. As long as every one does their part and not looking what the others are or aren't doing, a true home feeling can be achieved. A place where everybody feels they belong and appreciate being there enough to keep the peace among each other.

I also learned from this experience to accept people just the way they are. I thought I already did this but realized that I was still wanting people to be like me. Just because people live a certain way, and are obsessed with unplugging and cleaning doesn't mean they are unlikable or that they need to change. We all have little annoying habits and want others to accept us just like that. We don't want anyone to talk us out of these or make us see otherwise. We have our reasons to believe what we believe or do the things that we consider important to us. But when it comes to others, we are ready to judge, criticize or show them how wrong they are for doing the things they do... like unplugging everything to save power. I'm trying to be more tolerant. I'll need it.