Back at Our Own Place

It has been a while since i last wrote. So many things have happened and it has taken some time for me and the family to readjust. After three months at my friend's house, we have moved to our own apartment but before that we did move back to our previous house to fix a few things for the new owners. We moved only with some clothes, an air mattress and the dog's cage... The house was cold and so empty and impersonal but what a sense of freedom! I went to the kitchen the next morning and made coffee and shouted out, "Thank you, God! I'm free!" The feeling was really exhilirating. After thinking about everything we did, it felt good to know I could drink a cup of coffee, leave the cup in the sink while exercising and come back later and wash it without having the urgency of doing it before someone walk on the door and look bad at me. So simple but felt so good. The dog is now free to run around - especially that the house is empty - and doesn't need to sleep on a cage. I prayed out loud, dance around while sweeping the floor and sang while cooking. Things I have not felt free to do before. In the other house, it was a pain to cook since it took me 15 minutes to make rice and 45 minutes to clean the stove and sink to look like nothing happened. I did not sing while working as I am used to do because I always was rushing so I could clean right away and leave everything perfect. I stopped cooking altogether. My husband and I ate lots of sandwiches and drank coffee in disposable cups. Sam (husband) yearned for eggs. He loves scrambled eggs on Saturday mornings so a couple of times we visited IHOP to satisfy his cravings. Each day I grew more depressed and it was hard to do anything. One of the things I learned is that the rules were not the problem in this house but the way these are enforced. Accusations or insinuations of violating rules we did not do ("It smells like dog upstairs"); not greeting us if the dog was out of the cage when she walked in (not a rule broken by this); ignoring our 'good deeds' -like fixing a broken wall upstairs and the picking up the leaves in the front yard. I noticed that my friend did not realize how bad she was making us feel. I talked to her 3 or 4 times about things and how we felt and it was like news to her. The looks, the ignoring us, the comments - how can she not know or realized we felt diminished by these? Lesson: I want to make sure I make people feel at home and comfortable. I don't want to overwhelm others by trying to enforce rules. I pray God gives me wisdom and guidance to balance it all.
Another lesson: a clean house or a house that looks like a magazine is not more important than people's feelings and it can feel quite impersonal and cold.

I talked last month with two women out of prison and living in Safe Houses about the rules and likes and dislikes to compare them to my experience. One of them told me she felt at home immediately. She walked in, sat and felt comfortable enough and 'at home enough' to put her feet on the furniture, talk and relax (that was her account). When asked for specifics a few things helped to make her feel 'at home': a couple of the girls in the house came from Dawson (prison) - she have known them for about 6-8 months; and the other ladies greeted her and made her feel very welcome she said. But, what about the rules? "Oh, everybody does their part and no one is pointing the finger at the other." I guess that's it. As long as every one does their part and not looking what the others are or aren't doing, a true home feeling can be achieved. A place where everybody feels they belong and appreciate being there enough to keep the peace among each other.

I also learned from this experience to accept people just the way they are. I thought I already did this but realized that I was still wanting people to be like me. Just because people live a certain way, and are obsessed with unplugging and cleaning doesn't mean they are unlikable or that they need to change. We all have little annoying habits and want others to accept us just like that. We don't want anyone to talk us out of these or make us see otherwise. We have our reasons to believe what we believe or do the things that we consider important to us. But when it comes to others, we are ready to judge, criticize or show them how wrong they are for doing the things they do... like unplugging everything to save power. I'm trying to be more tolerant. I'll need it.